Top 5: Most worthless holiday sweets
Another holiday, another excuse to use colored foil to shill cheap chocolate and to invent unnecessary adaptations of sweets that are otherwise reasonable and maybe even delicious. There's just a time and a place for certain candy, you feel? (Jury's still out on whether there's a time and a place for cheap chocolate.) Here's our Top 5 most unnecessary holiday candies:
1. Flavor variations of candy canes. Good things do not usually come from messing with a classic. Most foods start to suck once you start adding flavors. Even Cherry Coke isn't as good as the real deal. Same goes for candy canes. Peppermint = good. Tutti frutti = bad. Even spearmint-flavored candy canes are no good.
2. Christmas Peeps. Certain candy belongs to certain holidays. Candy corn is for Halloween, candy canes are for Christmas, Shamrock shakes are for St. Patrick's Day etc. etc. Peeps are for Easter. Whoring them out for other holidays just cheapens their ability to be special during the appropriate season. And Peeps need all the help they can get as it is.
3. Holiday Hershey's Kisses. In the same way that M&Ms got sort of annoying when they started going color-coded depending on the holiday and started allowing you to get your your your Sweet Baboo's name printed on them and whatnot, Hershey's Kisses sorta got lame when they started thinking that merely changing the foil would make them somehow more appealing. Unfortunately, it probably works.
4. Chocolate suckers. Chocolate + suckers = do not compute. What, is it to avoid muddying your hands with chocolate? No one who eats a chocolate sucker doesn't feel like an idiot. Like Hershey's Kisses, it's just another ruse for selling some sugary concoction essentially posing as chocolate.
5. Those silver balls on Christmas cookies. Do these things even have a real name? They're a) wildy difficult to consume, if they don't roll off before you even attempt, b) not tasty once you do break a molar biting into one and c) as alluded to in a) and b), possibly dangerous. They don't even appear to be edible.
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