A guy walks into a bar. He snaps his fingers at the bartender to get her attention. It's futile. He waves money in her face. Desperate, he calls from across the room, "Hey, sweetheart, surprise me with something." She brings him a High Life.
"That's not what I wanted," he huffs. "How 'bout you give me this one for free and we'll call it even?"
He gets up from his bar stool after chugging his beer, leaving behind a pile of torn-up napkins, olive pits from the "snacks" he stole from the garnish tray, and a handful of pennies.
This is no joke. This, my friends, is your bartender's worst nightmare.
See also: Top 10 reasons why your server hates you
The bartender is a true warrior, putting up with belligerent drunks, catcalls, fights, and the same goddamn Guns N' Roses songs played repeatedly on the jukebox, all while serving hundred of drinks per night. If you want to make her job easier, don't be the douchebag who does the following. (Note: "You skip the tip" isn't on this list because if you haven't yet figured out that you should leave your bartender a tip, you're beyond help.)
10. You think the garnish tray is a buffet table.
The lemons and olives are not for you. When you stick your fingers in the garnishes, you're giving the next person who orders a mojito a mouthful of your germs. Frankly, your bartender doesn't care so much about that -- it's more that he'll have to replenish the stock after you've helped yourself to a nice little feast.
By the way, the garnishes have likely been sitting out for the past eight hours. Enjoy your slimy cheese cube. 9. You expect free drinks.
If you ask your bartender for a free drink, you're eliminating your chances of ever getting one. Free drinks are a privilege occasionally granted to those who are polite, tip generously, and refrain from causing a scene. And dude, no one cares that you know the owner. As the proprietor of a popular neighborhood bar, he probably knows a lot of people. He still wants your money.
8. You think you're exempt from the law. Your bartender has heard everything. You left it at home, you put it through the wash, it got taken away after your last DUI.... It doesn't matter if you're wrinkled from head to toe -- your bartender could still be fined and/or fired for letting you drink without checking your ID. It's not about your bartender being a bitch. It's about the need to make a living and not letting some entitled asshole stand in the way of paying rent.
Note: This rule rarely applies in Wisconsin.
7. You ask for a surprise.
Want a surprise? Here's a glass of water. Indecision means nothing to your bartender, who makes hundreds of different drinks per day. And don't even think about ordering a drink you saw on the internet but can't remember the name of. It's not your bartender's responsibility to stay up to date on the latest mixed-drink concoctions on YouTube. [page]
6. You destroy everything around you.
The bar is not the place for your inner child to come out and destroy everything in sight. Leave your coaster alone. Please stop breaking the straws into dozens of tiny pieces. Your bartender is not amused by your homemade confetti, nor does she want to discard your garnish fort after you leave. Be a big kid and clean up your mess.
5. You attempt to push to the front of the line.
Your bartender notices who arrives at the bar first. Flashing money, waving, or snapping won't make her serve you any faster. In fact, it greatly increases your chances of being completely ignored. Being in the service industry does not make someone your servant. It's your bartender's job to ensure that people are taken care of in the order they arrived, not to prioritize you because you're causing a scene. You don't you reward children for throwing tantrums, do you?
4. You complain that your bartender is making your drink wrong.
Telling your bartender he's making your drink wrong is like a stranger barging into your office building to tell you you're filling out your Excel sheet incorrectly. Your bartender has been in the business long enough to know the correct way to make an Old Fashioned by now. Plus, different bars use different ratios. You can't walk into Coup d'Etat and expect them to make your drink just like the dive bar down the street. [page] 3. You demand an "extra strong" drink. No duh, you want your drink extra strong. You didn't come to the bar to read the Bible, you came here to get drunk. Bartenders go through training that dictates the proper amount of alcohol to add to each drink. Yes, drinks are expensive. Yes, they're sometimes weak. No, asking for less ice will not help. The bar makes money by selling people overpriced drinks and they won't make an exception for you. If you want a strong drink for a low price, pick up a bottle of Evan Williams and spend the evening at home.
2. You are wasted.
We're not sure if you noticed this, but you're trashed. You just kicked a chair, grabbed a girl's ass, and knocked over an entire tray of drinks in one fell swoop. Your bartender notices, believe it or not, and since he's partly responsible for running the establishment, it's his job to make sure you don't cause any more damage. When you're cut off, don't cause a bigger scene by whining for more drinks.
1. You try to get personal. Don't tell your bartender to smile. Don't ask if she has kids. Whether or not this is her full-time job is none of your business. Your bartender is all for being cordial, but customers are quick to cross the line. Your bartender is here to take your order, make your drink, and take your money. Pet names, excessive questioning, and physical contact with your bartender have no place here. If she wants to open up and have a chat, she will. Otherwise, just drink your drink.
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