The McDonald's McRib sandwich encourages queasiness, regret

​​Yep, McDonald's McRib is terrible alright. I'm not writing this as a snob or an elitist or as someone who claims to never touch fast food or processed food or anything that hasn't come from the hallowed halls of The Wedge. These words come to you from the mouth of a pretty-regular Joe. If pork could be blended and re-flavored and solidified into a patty, then doused in an inoffensive BBQ sauce, and served to millions of Americans ... well, oh. That may be what we have here.

First thing's first: the McRib is a novelty sandwich. It falls somewhere between KFC's Double-down and a pair of edible panties in the pantheon of Silly Food. The first tip-off is the shape of the patty, with it's faux rib lines (Cute! Are those real bones!?!) and even faker grill colors. You have to wonder if the McRib is only being reintroduced because of the success of that other gross yet much buzzed-about food product, the Double-down. Thanks, KFC!  

Those brave enough to bite into this silly sandwich are likely to be disappointed, mostly because it lacks a pleasing texture. The most concerning aspect of this creation is the meat patty, which manages to chew like an airy slab of whipped-then-baked eggs, or perhaps the decaying flesh of a giant fish that has washed ashore. Perplexingly, the meat has a way of melting in your mouth, and I suspect that the patty was engineered especially for those suffering from a lack of masticatory prowess, as a tongue mashing is practically all one needs here to get the job done. Who needs choppers when the food practically chews itself? 

The sandwich might be improved if Ronald McDonald put a little more BBQ sauce on the patty, or maybe tastier BBQ sauce. More flavor might help the adventurous eater forget about what he's eating. The nearly raw onions and too-slimey Mickey D pickle surely aren't helping the McRib.

The McRib has a complicated history, having been on something of a farewell tour since 2005. That's when McDonald's announced it would remove the sandwich from the menu--for good. But since 2005 it has been reintroduced at least 3 times in the  United States, leaving one to assume that McDonald's will only occasionally release the beast in an effort to create buzz. Either that or the McRib is actually the product of a rare McReinRib Deer, and they only produce the sandwich when they've had an especially good breeding year.

The McRib goes off the menu December 5th. 

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