Taco Bell breakfast is finally here. On Thursday at 7 a.m, every stoner's favorite fast food chain unveiled its brand new breakfast menu, complete with Waffle Tacos, Cinnabon Delights, AM Crunchwraps, AM Grilled Tacos, Breakfast Burritos, Flatbread Melts, hash browns, and coffee. Hot Dish joined the impatient masses and lined up to sample from the new selection.
Talk about bad decision making. Hours later, our stomachs were still in knots. Unless you're absurdly intoxicated, you're probably better off eating dust from your computer monitor. We were spared some of this breakfast bastardization because, on its first morning fueling America's workday, this particular Taco Bell had run out of eggs. Or egg-like product. Presumably because there had been a rush on the Waffle Tacos. America, we fear for us.
Nevertheless, we were there for Taco Bell breakfast and it was Taco Bell breakfast we would get -- or as much as we could order from their dwindling stock. As is customary with drive-thru fast food, we ate the first breakfast item -- the hash brown -- in the car. Bad choice. By the time we were through, the car seat, steering wheel, and dashboard were covered in grease, all from one measly hash brown. The hash brown's main problem is that it's more brown than hash. It has no substance. It's like a fried piece of the void, utterly free of potato. Still, we remained hopeful.
When we got to the office, we laid the items on a table, which was immediately covered in a thick layer of grease. During the 10-minute car ride, the grease had seeped out of the cardboard Waffle Taco containers, rendering all of its contents a slippery mess. We crossed our greased fingers that the issue was mainly aesthetic and proceeded with the operation.
We started with the bacon variety of Waffle Taco, a grease sponge cradling a mix of barely melted cheese, bacon bits, and egg chunks. What we should have done before taking a bite was squeeze the Waffle Taco like a wet rag to remove the copious amounts of oil. We didn't. Instead we soldiered on, only to find that beyond the sopping wet exterior, was a chewy, tasteless filling. You got us good, TB. Real good.
Ah, but fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, we move on to a different flavor of Waffle Taco. Surely the sausage-studded Waffle Taco would succeed where its bacon brother failed, right? Actually, the sausage Waffle Taco was pretty much the same as the bacon Waffle Taco, but with a big hunk of cold, over-salted sausage in place of bacon crumbles.
At that point, our hands, faces, and computers were covered in so much grease, we considered taking the rest of the day off to clean up. But the A.M. Crunchwrap, a little self-contained tortilla cocoon, promised less grease, so we hunkered down. Indeed, it was less greasy, but it also somehow managed to exceed all other items in tastelessness. The Crunchwrap is basically a tortilla stuffed with a shitty hash brown, bland eggs, and half-melted cheese, as well as a choice of sausage or steak. Honestly, the choice of meat probably wouldn't have made a huge difference (see also: Waffle Taco).
We capped off our breakfast as one should: with dessert, a plastic cup full of Cinnabon Delights (aka mini donut balls). Be warned -- these bite-sized orbs are stuffed with a sickly sweet icing that may squirt indecorously on your hands or shirt if you're not careful. The Cinnabon Delights were definitely the best tasting item we tried, but they're also sugar balls of fried sugar dough filled with sugar sauce. They'd be best saved for special occasions, like the day before your next diet or Halloween. But hey, if you're craving a few cavities, look no further. Cinnabon Delights are here to assist.
Overall, sampling the Taco Bell breakfast menu was one of the most unfortunate experiences of our young lives. No amount of fire sauce or hype can dress up this scourge of a breakfast menu. Our stomachs still scream out in despair: Never again, Taco Bell. Never again.