It's a story you've undoubtedly seen or heard if you're friends with a single person from Wisconsin
who drinks beer. [Editor's note: Redundant.]
Usually, the story is relayed with a certain amount of glee, and home-state pride. At worst, a little sheepish acknowledgement that yes, people there love their brews. Wisconsin straight dominated the recent "drunkest cities in America" countdown, taking 12 out of 20 spots in that list. Their bears drink beer.
Here's the story: Coors Light is going to start making a 60-pack case that will only be available in Wisconsin. As reported by the website College Peep Show, the business move is in recognition of its overtaking Bud Light as the best-selling beer in that state.
The preposterously large package is even getting its own state-specific name: The "Wisconsin Pak."
According to a statement from MillerCoors announcing the news, the 60 pack simply wouldn't make sense to sell in any other state.
"It would end up being on the shelf too long," they explained. "By comparison, the Wisconsin consumer will drink a 60-pack in a little more than a week."
People are very pleased by this news. Here's a small sampling of reactions since the story appeared online last week.
60? What could go wrong? https://t.co/eVAugKhYI0— Jeremy Ross (@JeremyAdamRoss) July 14, 2016
And on the 8th day God said, "let their be Coors Light." https://t.co/wtY02mlak4— CEOchylski (@CEOchylski) July 14, 2016
August 1 when in only Wisconsin u can buy a 60 pack of Coors light— Kyle Hertzfeldt (@KyleHertzfeldt) July 16, 2016
I'd wait in a line outside of a store overnight for a Coors Light 60 pack— Aaron Kunde (@Aaron_Kunde16) July 15, 2016
So Coors Light has introduced a 60 pack of beer only to be sold in Wisconsin. Why you ask? Wisconsinites are not alcoholics but rather pros.— Scott Herbst (@herbst20) July 14, 2016
Would like to see someone with actual proof that the coors light 60 pack is legit and not fake— Jack (@PackieJay) July 15, 2016
Oh, Jack. Jack, I'm sorry. And to you, too, Kyle, and Scott, and Nadine, and Jeremy, and Aaron — to all of you. To all of Wisconsin.
We at City Pages aren't shy to play up the good-spirited sense of rivalry between Minnesota and its eastern neighbor. But we take no pleasure in this: It's a hoax. The 60 pack Coors Light "Wisconsin Pak" doesn't exist.
"The post making its way around social media is completely made up," says Jonathan Stern, head of media relations for MillerCoors. "We regret any confusion it may have caused."
Confusion? Why, Jonathan, it caused outright elation! From what we gather, no news — short of a Packers Super Bowl victory or the ordering of a second plate of cheese curds — has ever been received with more universal approval.
The origin of the photos included in College Peep Show (now that you mention it a second time, that does sound like a dubious name for a news site) story are explained in its own captions: The 60 pack is available ... in Canada. (Note that in the photo above, words on the giant case that woman is holding are written in French.) Chalk this up as another reason Americans will soon be taking refuge north of the border.
The Coors Light 60 pack was a magical unicorn that was going to bring the whole state together in one boozy marathon of outdoor beer-pounding. As it happens, Wisconsin chased that unicorn — and flew too close to the sun, where, they discovered, they did not have enough cold, watery beer to cool them off.
Oh, shit, wait, just thought of something. Just get two 30 packs. Problem solved.