Deadspin and GQ writer Drew Magary spent part of his childhood in Minnesota, and continues to be a hardcore Minnesota Vikings fan.
This explains why someone recently wrote an email addressed to Magary, as part of his regular Deadspin "Funbag" feature, and signed it off saying he, the letter-writer, has been "living in Minnesota for 8 years now."
No other part of his letter can be explained or understood.
And, worse, now people who've read this maniac's query know someone living here named "Joe" has an insane eating habit... but don't know which guy named Joe it is.
All Minnesota Joes are suspects until they can be ruled out.
Here's an excerpt:
"I’ll happy [sic] open up a can of Pizza Sauce and eat the whole damn thing with a spoon. It’s always been the only part of a pizza I really cared about and one day I basically just said 'the hell with it, I’m eating the damn thing.'
Google is of no help, there doesn’t seem to be some kind of support group out there for me on the internet. I met one other person into the same practice, some random girl I knew in college. She was probably my soul mate and I blew it. At least my wife’s cool with it. I’d have expected most people to have left me over it by now.
Anyways, how messed up is this one?"
It's kind the kind of question that inspires only more questions. Among them:
- Why is "Pizza Sauce" capitalized?
- If sauce is "the only part of a pizza I really cared about," is "Joe" really a person, or just an advice-seeking Russian bot invented to divide us?
- When you Google something, seeking a response from among some 30 trillion website pages out there, and it is "of no help," does that not serve as a hint you should maybe keep this dark secret to yourself?
- Who hurt you?
- This "random girl" "Joe" met in college who did the same thing: Is she now under the care of medical professionals, who watch in amazement as she pantomimes this ghastly spoon-into-can habit? And was her family granted visitation rights?
- Why did he have to drag Minnesota into this?
This last one is especially meaningful. As it turns out, Magary was off last week, thus rendering moot Joe's offer to "convert and be a fan" of his Minnesota Vikings in exchange for an answer that would "make [him] feel better about this."
Instead, his question went to Deadspin editor in chief Megan Greenwell, who reveals herself to be 1.) somewhat less of a Minnesota fan -- "fuck the Vikings," she advises -- and 2.) also nuts.
"Eating pizza sauce is not that weird -- or it shouldn't be, anyway," she writes, and though there are several sentences that follow, we'll spare you the horror. In sum, Greenwell suggests only that Not-A-Russian Bot Joe make his own pizza sauce, and eat that straight, rather than something "from a can."
This is bad advice! To condone Joe's habit is to give up on even the simplest acts of food preparation. Let us at least continue to carry out the few steps to make pizza. The thin strands that hold us together as a society are stretched already.
Straight spooning the sauce is like quitting chocolate mousse to chug heavy cream, or eschewing nachos to dump a bag of shredded cheddar right into your throat.
Even in that example, you are at least skipping straight to the cheese. According to his email to Deadspin, Joe here doesn't even like cheese. Not when it's on a pizza, perfectly melted and golden-brown, except for that one part that burned a little but somehow burned deliciously.
Want some advice, Joe? Keep experimenting with pizza. We promise you, somewhere out there is a sauce-laden pie recipe you'll fall in love with.
In the meantime, if you insist on bringing up this habit of yours to out-of-staters, please don't mention where you live.