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Milks, ranked from straightest to queerest

The heteros are worrying about soy milk again, which means our writer needs to set them... straight.

The heteros are worrying about soy milk again, which means our writer needs to set them... straight. Hannah Jones

It has come to our attention that the straights are talking about soy milk again.

As a card-carrying bald enby lesbian with two dogs and zero fucks to give, I am regretfully compelled to inform you this is a little off-base.

In the grand scheme of things, soy milk... well, it could be gayer. No offense, but it’s kinda basic, and we queers are mostly on the new shit now.

For the uninitiated, the following is a comprehensive list of milks ranked in ascending order of queerness.

We will not be taking questions.

 

20. Skim milk

19. One percent milk

18. Two percent milk

17. Whole milk

16. Goat milk

15. Soy milk

14. Rice milk

13. Brown rice milk

12. Coconut milk

11. Almond milk

10. Cashew milk

9. Peanut milk

8. Oat milk

7. Flax milk

6. Pea milk

5. Hemp milk

4. Any milk the barista has to explain to you

3. The niche milk your ex got you into and now you can’t stop drinking it

2. The secret new milk only you know about because you are extremely gay

1. Dairy milk, but you follow the cow on Instagram