You know you.
You want food, you want it to be cheap, and to consist largely of substances scientists would tell you are absolutely terrible for you... if only the lab could figure out what they are. But who has the time?
Or the energy to get up off the couch? (Or out of bed, if you have not yet made it to the couch; it is only 2:00 p.m.)
And then you wind up walking out to your car or bicycle. And at that point, you've still got several minutes of treacherous urban traffic before you must 1.) speak to another human, 2.) dig into your pocket, 3.) no, the other pocket, 4.) pay the youth behind the counter, who hates you, 5.) wait for the culinary team to assemble your food-stuff and make it hot, salty, sweet, and gooey enough that your brain does not hesitate to think about what you're ingesting or all the mistakes you've made.
Problem solved! Starting today, Monday June 19, 2017, McDonald's in the Twin Cities is offering delivery services through UberEATS, the food delivery offshoot of the mid-rough patch ride-share app Uber.
From this day forward, all you need to realize your McDonald's dreams is a credit card, a smart phone, and one working finger or a reliably precise nose.
The Star Tribune reports 19 of the local burger outlets (nine of them in Minneapolis, and six in St. Paul) will offer their foods for delivery.
The Strib reports McDonald's describes its most common delivery customers as being "younger," and ordering in "the evening," which City Pages reports is McDonald's way of saying they're drunk.
Expect a $5 fee, and to feel very happy for a few minutes in between the accumulating sadness of being on this planet.
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