Maker of SPAM gets into the fake-meat game with 'Happy Little Plants'

Sure, Hormel.

Sure, Hormel. Happy Little Plants

Is it just us, or does The Simulation feel like it’s working overtime these days...

Local swine megalord Hormel Foods Corporation just announced their new “plant-forward” protein line called “Happy Little Plants.” It launched last week, distributing ASAP in “select retail outlets,” with increased availability in the months to come. 

This new, plant-based ground meat alternative boasts 20 grams of non-GMO soy protein and only 180 calories per serving. It’s also preservative-, cholesterol-, and gluten-free. This follows an ongoing, nationwide trend of faux meats (such as the industry-standard Impossible and Beyond brand products) which mimic the real deal so deceptively that it squicks out diners to guess what actually is in them. Many vegetarians and vegans find them downright off-putting, thinking they’ve mistakenly been served real meat. 

“We understand consumers across a spectrum of lifestyles are adopting more flexible attitudes and behaviors when thinking about food, especially given the wide variety of products available in the marketplace. We intend to focus on all the ways plants can help consumers find alternatives in their food routines,” said Jim Splinter, vice president of corporate strategy at the company responsible for both Happy Little Plants and SPAM.

Happy Little Plants is the most recent in a series of vegetarian and vegan “innovations” from Hormel dating back to 2014, when they developed their “Fuse™ burger.” The pork people have been working on turning vegetables into meat shapes for years; this is simply the cheeriest attempt yet at peddling what amounts to spam-SPAM, thanks to a name that feels like it's a collab with Bob Ross (RIP).

Just remember: Though eating less -- or no -- meat is indisputably a healthy and environmentally sound choice, the money you dole out for Happy Little Plants will end up in the pockets of Big Pepperoni. And they'll use it on animals.

That said: You do you... whatever that means in this age of fake-meat-vegetable marketing.