2019 is coming to an end, and it’s time for champagne.
Or beer. You know, what the fuck, why not both? We’ve been drinking these heavy-ass craft beers all year long, and December is the month that all the breweries hit us with the Imperial Double-Marshmallow Stouts? Fuck that. My sweatpants don’t even fit anymore.
We’re sending off 2019 the way we came into drinking (and the way we’ll likely ending our drinking careers). Cheers, Minneapolis-St. Paul. You know what time it is.
Miller High Life
Lager, 4.6% ABV, 7 IBU
There she is. An American classic. The Audrey Hepburn of discount beer. Miller High Life may not be made in Minnesota (most of it is made in Wisconsin, a.k.a. Bizarro Minnesota), and if you’re gonna get hung up on that point, oh boy, you might not make it through this article. Miller High Life is sensational. It should be enjoyed on all occasions—graduation, divorces, First Communions (by the parents of the communee, of course). As a matter of fact, I might just baptize my first child with a pure golden splash of Miller High Life.
Another Miller High Life
Same beer, 4.6% ABV, 7 IBU
The first one disappears so quickly! The good news is that nothing follows a Miller High Life quite like another Miller High Life. This stuff is more refreshing than Gatorade. Certainly better for you, too. I know beer has a long history of making false health claims, but this feels right. High Life is a sports beverage. NFL, quit being so boring and let Stefon Diggs drink it on the sideline.
A Third Miller High Life
Hat trick, 4.6% ABV, 7 IBU
Should old acquaintance be forgot, time for another High Life. Remember that one-second Super Bowl ad they had? HIGH LIFE! That was fun.
Miller High Life Tallboy
Hipster swill, 4.6% ABV, 7 IBU
A little change of format to keep it fresh. You ever drink Miller High Life out of a Spiegalu IPA glass? Well, I did, and let me tell ya, it didn’t accentuate the hop profile at all, though it did encourage an obnoxiously large head. There is great, triumphant poetry in drinking this beer out of what is ceremonial glassware to Beer Nerds. It’s like stepping on a bishop’s robes, only you get to drink delicious golden beer after instead of getting flogged unconscious by a militia of specially trained altar boys. No one better comment “#DGM” on this article or I’ll have a stroke.
Miller High Life Novelty Bottle, Bay-bee
Lookit this shit, 4.6% ABV, 7 IBU
Lookit this shit. Absolutely absurd. You really had to pause to admire MillerCoors’ commitment to the bit when they released these 375 mL dumbasses in 2018, and now they’re back, ready to be popped right as "Auld Lang Syne" comes over the loudspeaker. I’m sure the Miller High Life people would prefer you drink this delicate portion of their discount beer out of a champagne glass, but those sonsofbitches know I’m taking the first swig right from the bottle. Be careful, though. Swig too deeply and you’re getting a neti pot full of beer-flavored La Croix. You’ll be sneezing froth into February. But I’ll be damned if this doesn’t feel like an appropriate cap to 2019’s year in beer. After everything, here I am, drinking corn water out of fine glassware with the knowledge that nothing in 2020 could possibly be more absurd.
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