I can't believe it's not paint thinner: Volume 9


The information available on André is sparse. My first search yielded a link to André Champagne Productions, makers of some truly awesome looking movies. I also stumbled upon a yahoo.com forum where some puzzled boozer appears mystified as to why André Champagne gives him a headache the next day (most common answer: it’s a crappy drink and you drank too much). Eventually, I discovered that Ernest & Gallo are actually the makers of the mighty André, a $3 champagne often used for wedding toasts, budget New Year’s Parties, and college students trying to be classy.

André Champagne was introduced in 1966 as an affordable champagne for Americans. According to the website, André continues to be the "#1 sparkling wine in the country." Why do they call it "sparkling wine?" Because only bubbly from Champagne, France can actually be bottled as "champagne," fool. Now, on to the tasting.

Ben starts to untwist the bottle

Jessica Armbruster: Seriously, get that bottle away from me.

Ben Palosaari: Jeez! What is your problem?

JA: I am seriously terrified of corked bottles being opened. I hate those pastry things too.

BP: Me too!

JA: I throw them into another room and that usually pops them open.

WR: This doesn’t smell bad...

Mike Kooiman: This is really sweet. Why is it sweet? It’s supposed to be extra-dry.

JA: For some reason cheap champagne often tastes sweet.

WR: Unlike the other things we’ve done for this, this tastes worse the more I drink.

Nate Patrin: I don’t think this is how I would want to commemorate my marriage.

JA: That’s why you buy a nice bottle for yourself, and make the others drink André.

NP: The aftertaste won’t stop circulating in my mouth.

Beth Walton: I love André!

BP: It’s been distilled twice.

WR: Is wine usually distilled? I thought it was aged?

BP: Like yo' momma.

MK: It like, what part of the cow went into the hot dog; what part of the harvest goes into the champagne?

JA: I read a funny story where Mick Jagger filled a tub with champagne. So his girlfriend goes and sits in the tub. It um, burned her and they had to go to the ER.

BP: I can think of much better things to bathe in than champagne. Like blood.

NP: OK, Nosferatu.

BP: Way to be obscure.

NP: It’s like, the original vampire movie! Philistine!

JA: Wow. There’s some fancy words going around right now.

MK: It’s the champagne!

NP: Hey, you don’t go to tech college an not learn some things.

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