I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner: Phillips Rum


The label on Phillips Light Rum is emblazoned with a ship, its huge mast catching a mighty gale.

Rum is, after all, a beverage associated with drunk, manly sailors at sea, and sweet, frou–frou cocktails stereotypically associated with women. The bottle is plastic, the price was right ($4.99), and the bottles warns in bold letters to “drink in moderation.” Will we soon be singing pirate songs in my office? Or will we find ourselves crying into our strawberry daiquiris? According to my coworker dark rum typically has 5 percent less alcohol by volume than white rum, and we’re using Diet Coke for mixer, so the first option seems more likely.

Jessica Armbruster: Wow this smells like straight alcohol, not rum.

Nate Patrin: It smells like a sharpy.

JA: That does not taste like rum.

Ben Palosaari: You know how smells can make you think of things? The smell of this makes me think of getting bloodwork done. Do you think the medals on the label are fake? Like they just put them there?

NP: It's for participation.

Ward Rubrecht: It’s so they don’t feel bad.

Mike Kooiman: I love how the font on the label telling us to "enjoy in moderation" is HUGE!

Bradely Campbell: I spit it back into my cup. I really can’t drink this. (wanders off to the kitchen)

MK: This could be the first thing we’ve had that actually lives up to the name of paint thinner.

BP: Maybe if we had lime wedges. We need lime juice to bring out the hidden sophistication.

NP: This puts the rum in crummy.

Ben claps slowly

BP: Give the man a drink! (points to rum)

NP: No!

For the record, seven staffers tried the rum. Only a third of the 750 ML flask was consumed.

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