We read the front page of City Pages with great enthusiasm. We couldn't wait to buy and try 'The Best Frozen Pizza in Minnesota' voted by the City Pages gang. We couldn't wait to get to Kowalski's, a fair drive away in Excelsior as we live in Orono, to get one.
What a an absolute unpalatable mess your choice for Numero Uno turned out to be. Was this an article sponsored by Kowalski's and we just had one pulled over on us, like the Onion?!
We cooked the supreme pizza to perfection, a golden crust of melted cheese mixed with veggies and meat, the aroma making us salivate in anticipation. You said that it was the last pizza you tested during a long day of pizza testing. We can only wonder if you were drinking (or doing shots) between each of the previous pizzas you tested before you came to this utter failure.
Two of us could barely consume a piece or two each, and the rest went straight down the garbage disposal. We sat in disbelief staring at each other, attempting to put into words the golden crust of melted cheese mixed with veggies and meat pile of CRAP we just ate.
We would have passed this off as a one-off mistake from City Pages. But after a similar utterly disastrous attempt by you at food and entertainment at your 'Best of Twin Cities Party in April at Orchestra Hall, we now are starting to think City Pages has become as irrelevant as the pages and pages of bar, stripper, and erotic massage ads that fill your publication.
We used to seek out restaurants and businesses from City Pages, but now you've just become some thing of the past. Even the once great Dan Savage has turned into nothing more than a moneygrubbing hemp festival, hump festival, look at me look at me because I'm still trying to stay relevant business. Sad.
We once watched a video of Charlie Sheen (yes, that equally large disaster as your 'Best of the Twin Cities Party' Charlie Sheen) giving a motivational speech to a college men's basketball team. One of the things he said in his speech was, "You just have to lay off the crack."
All the players looked around at each other like, "What the hell is this dick talking about?" That's kind of how we imagine people are now looking at each other and thinking . . . what are the City Pages even about anymore?