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Guess Which Local Chef Penned an Anonymous Story for VICE?

Col. Mustard can wield a pen, too.

Col. Mustard can wield a pen, too.

Local food writers hold onto your hats -- and your jobs. An "anonymous" chef is writing for the national press, and it ain't half bad:

"When I walked back downstairs, my friend, who is the current chef there, was busy filling up gigantic bottles of brown mustard. I grabbed one, walked into the completely full dining room, made my way over to the bar, and projectile hosed this guy with a bottle of mustard."

Ha! Anonymous, shmanonymous. We know that chef...

See also: Foodie Fight: One of Dara's favorite local restaurants has a mustard meltdown

That is none other than Landon Schoenefeld, of the highly celebrated Haute Dish in the North Loop.

If you've somehow forgotten the story, we've conveniently linked it above for your reading pleasure. And yet, despite the fact that this isn't the first time this tale has made the national press (it was on NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!), which Schoenefeld describes in the VICE Magazine piece as "pretty embarrassing," it's fun to read about it from the horse's mouth.

He may have seemed like a horse's ass for committing this act of condiment cruelty. And yet, if you're a person with any sort of high-pressure job, you can't help but feel a little twinge of empathy. Especially considering the fact that he had just finished going above and beyond the expectations of the job when the incident occurred:

"It was a Thursday night, specifically, when that happened. There was this vegan woman who was a friendly regular, and I'd made sure to make her something really special every time. Her name was Pam. That night, I punched something nice through the ticket machine for Pam while we were getting crushed. I was busy making something for her while we were in the weeds."

It was at that moment when the bartender/victim purportedly hit Schoenfeld with a barrage of insults including: "You need to do exactly what I say, you need to learn how to be a chef, get your ass back downstairs, and do whatever the fuck you need to do to get the job done."

Read the rest for yourself, but suffice it to say he concludes that the whole ordeal made him a better chef by teaching him a few life lessons about maturity, and getting himself canned. The job was sucking the life force out of him, and he needed to do some evening out.

The nickname may haunt him forever, but these days its not squeeze bottles, but a fierce talent that makes other men cower.

Schoenefeld has alluded that there will be more to come in this series, but the subjects are still not a "done deal." That said, keep an eye peeled for finding the undisputed local king of pork preparation in some pretty unlikely situations in the coming year.

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