Exciting news for lovers of free things and ice cream: Dairy Queen has proclaimed March 15 the official "End of Winter," five days earlier than usual. And they're offering free soft-serve cones to celebrate. Also, climate change is real.
"We want everyone to celebrate our official kick-off of spring by enjoying a signature DQ® cone on us," said Barry Westrum, executive vice president of Marketing for American Dairy Queen Corporation (ADQ). Don't mind if we do! By the way, Arctic sea ice is at record low levels.
Chocolate fans will have to satisfy their cocoa cravings elsewhere, as the small cone only comes in the classic vanilla. But hey, it's free! Kind of like how modern currency will be meaningless when droughts and flooding lead to a dystopian battle for resources that dismantles our global economy.
What will you do with the five extra days of spring Dairy Queen is giving you? We know what we'll be doing: sitting out on a patio, keeping cool with a free cone on March 15 or maybe even a Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Smash Blizzard® Treat. Something nice and frosty since devastating forest fire season is just around the corner.
Known to fans as the "cone with the curl on top," this free tiny beacon of hope in the face of an ineluctable, manmade disaster that will destroy life as we know it will be available at all participating non-mall locations. Go claim your own little wisp of white cloud against the darkening skies of the impending megastorm that will kill us all. Limited to one per customer.
While supplies and livable climates on this doomed planet last.