Ever heard of Chris Maragos?
Almost certainly not, unless your knowledge of NFC East defenses extends to backup members of the secondary who've missed most of this season on injured reserve.
In fact, we're pretty sure Maragos, a 31-year-old adult member of the Philadelphia Eagles, performed his most noteworthy act all season on Friday night. It was a tweet.
I’ve called 3 Restaurants in Minneapolis to get a reservation for me and my teammates and “can’t” get in ������ Well played Minnesota fans, well played �������� #FlyEaglesFly— Chris Maragos (@ChrisMaragos) January 27, 2018
Right, yep, makes perfect sense. Just one quick follow-up question: What the hell is he talking about?
Here is literally the only way what Chris Maragos is alleging here actually happened as he believes.
Chris Maragos: Hi, I'd like to make a reservation for eight people for Saturday night at 7 o'clock.
Restaurant employee: My, what a thoughtful idea. And what luck! For, even though we're a popular restaurant in a city which just happens to be expecting hundreds of thousands of additional visitors that very weekend, we oddly have plenty of tables available.
Maragos: Cool, yeah, I definitely thought that would be the case.
Employee: What name should I put the reservation under?
Maragos: You can put it under Chris.
Employee [voice rising]: Wait just a damn minute. Chris... Maragos? Currently injured but still widely known backup safety for the Philadelphia Eagles?! IS THAT WHO I'M TALKING TO RIGHT NOW?!
Maragos: No, wait, you don't understand --
Employee: We will not have Chris Maragos or any Chris Maragos associates served in this establishment! Not on my watch! Not ever!
Maragos: Not again!
Is that what went on here? Or do we think Chris had trouble finding a reservation because the restaurants were ... booked? Like, with other customers? Ones who thought to make reservations for their Super Bowl weekend dinner more than a week in advance... and who, if denied a reservation by an establishment, did not view it as some sort of dull revenge conspiracy.
The outrage perpetrated against Maragos eventually came to the attention of his teammate, Torrey Smith, who offered a suggestion.
Just tell them you want to make a reservation for Tom Brady with no explanation...then arrive and say “Hi I’m Tom” �������� https://t.co/ihSLjOu2fi— Torrey Smith (@TorreySmithWR) January 27, 2018
(Is this a joke? We don't get it.) Also: As if Tom Brady would ever eat anything that wasn't hand-grown by some widely discredited foreigner with two online degrees in voodoo.
Be still, your fretful heart: This story has a happy ending.
UPDATE... I’ve found a reservation, all is good in the world!!— Chris Maragos (@ChrisMaragos) January 27, 2018
See! By tweeting about the conspiracy against him, Chris Maragos put local restaurants on notice, and, after a series of tense, smoke-filled meetings -- attended by Andrew Zimmern, Gavin Kaysen, Ann Kim, Kim Bartmann, Kim Cattrall, and every other leading figure in the Twin Cities restaurant scene -- they called off their organized boycott of Chris Maragos and his friends.
That, or he finally just found a restaurant that had a table open that night. Either way, it's a hell of a story, and we're just glad everyone made it through this harrowing experience in one piece.