Your barista hates you. We're sure that became clear the first time you ordered a no-foam latte and didn't tip, but it's worth repeating. Since Hot Dish cares about your well-being and wants to foster healthy relationships between you and the people you deal with in the service industry, we've compiled a list of reasons why your barista would rather eat glass than see your face. This is your chance to learn from mistakes!
10. Because you spill milk and honey all over the creamer station and don't clean it up.
We're not sure if you knew this, but honey is sticky. When you spill it all over the table and try to clean it up with a dry napkin, the napkin sticks to the honey like feathers to tar. Pouring creamer on the mess doesn't make it much better, but, hell, you've already gone this far. While you're at it, be sure to drop your straw wrapper in the spilled creamer, pour half your sugar in your drink and the other half on the table, and defecate on the floor. We're more than happy to clean up after you.
9. Because you and your four friends order four different kinds of smoothies while we're dealing with lines out the door.
We know it's sweltering outside and coffee blended with ice and powdered chocolate shit sounds like heaven in your mouth, but it's crazy busy and you've chosen the most time-consuming and obnoxious drink on the menu. The fact that our blended drinks are kind of gross and contain God-knows-how-many ingredients is less concerning to us than how long it takes to wash the blender. Do us all a favor and stick with Starbucks Frappuccinos -- they're the only reason we have these blended atrocities on our menus in the first place.
8. Because you have no idea what you're ordering and then yell at us about it when it's not what you wanted.
Hmm, the macchiato has a nice Italian ring to it, doesn't it? When you placed your order, we warned you that it wasn't the same sugary nightmare that Starbucks blasphemously refers to as a macchiato, but did you listen? Of course not. You wordlessly watched us pull your double shot, whip up a dollop of foam, and gently spoon it on top of your shots. As soon as we handed you the drink, you stuck your tongue towards the bitter center, turned up your nose, and handed it right back. "What the hell is this?" We told you what it was. You insisted on ordering it anyway. This. Is. Not. Starbucks. [page]
7. Because you say "expresso."
We understand your inclination to say "expresso" -- the process of pulling shots is an express ordeal and the beverage is expressed from the machine -- but that's not how Italian works. Unfortunately for you, most baristas are failed English majors, which means if you mess up the pronunciation or spelling of our fine coffee drinks, we're going to judge you and possibly hate you irrevocably. We pride ourselves on proper pronunciation -- it's all that's left to preserve our last remaining shreds of dignity.
6. Because you assume we're IT people.
Yes, we have internet. Yes, there's a password. Yes, that password is probably "croissant," "coffeebean," or "likeusonfacebook." But no, we do not know why the internet is down. Were you on PornHub again? Are you trying to download the entire West Wing series? We'll stick a pen in the little reset hole for you, but our computer knowledge stops there. We make specialty coffee drinks. We get drunk off whiskey and read Dostoyevsky while pondering the utter senselessness of life. We don't know why Netflix isn't working. Go home.
5. Because your drink order is froufrou, tedious nonsense.
When we started working at our respective coffee shops, we were given a list of drink recipes to memorize and perfect. We stood before the steam wand for hours at a time, pouring 2% milk foam down the drain until we achieved fluffy clouds of goodness. We mastered espresso-to-foam ratios. We learned the correct timing for pulling espresso shots. We burned our knuckles on hot water, hot metal, and hot milk for you, and yet you still have the gall to order a skim latte with no foam, four pumps of vanilla, three packets of Splenda, two and a half "expresso" shots, and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top? This is not a meth lab. We are not meth cooks. We make drinks with coffee beans, water, and milk. [page]
4. Because you come in three minutes before close. Let us tell you a little something about cleaning an espresso machine -- it sucks. Each metal component must be taken out and thoroughly scrubbed (which often results in us completely drenching ourselves in soap water) and there's a burn-inducing multi-part system for cleaning the brewing group and steam wand that we'd rather not repeat three minutes before closing. Yet here you are, demanding a latte. Our self-respect has lowered to the point of no return. If we make you this coffee drink right now, we're as good as dead. Go ahead. Talk to our bosses. We've been trying to get fired for the past five years. 3. Because you assume we know your regular drink order.
It's Monday at 9 am. The line is snaking out the door. We've served upward of 50 people in the last half hour and are dealing with a milk explosion when you walk in, nod in our direction, and mutter, "Gimme the usual." Dude, we don't remember you, your ridiculous penguin tie, or your daily drink order. In fact, we're fairly certain this is the first time we've ever seen you. "Cappuccino" and "the usual" contain the same number of syllables -- why not be straightforward and save yourself from our cold barista glares?
2. Because you blab on your cellphone while ordering.
"Oh hiiii. No not you, I'm talking to my friend. Melinda, hold on. Yeah I'll have a... what, Melinda? I'm at a coffee shop. A COFFEE SHOP. He said WHAT? Hold on, Melinda. Medium coffee. Room for cream. No a... Melinda, that's CRAZY. Hold on a sec, latte no foam, omg Melinda shuddup, two sugars, and umm, that cookie. I can break my diet once in a while, Mel. You're such a bitch."
Transmission error. Your barista has died inside.
1. Because you don't tip. You could be as kind as Mr. Rogers and as cute as Clint Eastwood, but if you don't tip, you're automatically rendered a life-sucking cave creature in our minds. You are the devil incarnate, undeserving of our time and efforts. We will remember you. All we ask in exchange for the sacrifice of our dream of becoming the next David Foster Wallace is a measly dollar bill. Acknowledge our humanness! Acknowledge these battle burns on our fingers! Acknowledge that we are using your tip money to pay off four years of student loans and the occasional bottle of Jack! If you do tip, we will love you forever. We will draft love notes in foam art and always add the extra shot for free. Do the right thing, y'all.