HaRecent news reports detailed a falling out between President Donald Trump and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who was said to have insulted the president’s intelligence.
Tillerson called Trump a “fucking moron,” to be precise, a claim Tillerson’s spokesman later denied. Trump in turn challenged the secretary to “compare IQ tests.”
Lost in this was what inspired the alleged insult. Trump is interested in ramping up America’s nuclear arsenal, from 4,018 warheads back toward 32,000, the number the U.S. held during the height of the Cold War. Not only would this undo several non-proliferation treaties, military experts warned, but the military doesn’t have an extra 28,000 targets that need blowing up.
Trump balked, saying it would be “easy” to come up with new targets. “Watch me,” he said, asking an aide to take notes, a copy of which has since been leaked to City Pages:
No. 4,019: The New York Times Building. Warned this would lead to a catastrophic loss of civilian life, the president (POTUS, herein) responded that he “wouldn’t consider it a loss, not those people,” and observed that the building had “ruined the views, just destroyed them,” for south-facing units in Trump Tower.
Nos. 4,020-4,119: “Any and all golf courses on Golf Digest’s Top 100 list that are not Trump National courses.” Informed by an aide that Golf Digest did not appear to have any Trump National courses in its rankings, POTUS said, “That’s wrong, I know that’s wrong. Check again.”
No. 4,120: Golf Digest magazine.
No. 4,125: NBC Studios. “Try to do it when Megyn Kelly’s on. No, wait, let’s get Alec Baldwin. That show is terrible. I’m doing them a favor.”
No. 4,550: ISIS. An Air Force analyst asked if POTUS intended to target the group’s western stronghold on the Iraq-Syria border, or its eastern outpost in Aghanistan and Pakistan. In response, POTUS simply nodded and said, “Yep. Take ’em out. Boom!”
No. 5,033: Chicago. POTUS said the city’s murder rate was “outrageous, terrible, and totally the Democrats’ fault.” The only way to prevent further “carnage” would be by destroying it.
Nos. 5,052–8,099: The laptops, cellphones, and tablet devices associated with Twitter accounts that “have been very mean to me, very unfair!”
No. 9,000: Hollywood. POTUS made clear the bombing should avoid damaging any home, office, or hotel room belonging to Harvey Weinstein. “I didn’t like this guy, all this money he gave to Democrats and crooked Hillary. But it’s terrible what they’ve done to him. No one deserves to be treated that way.”
No. 9,001–11,016: “I found some more Twitter accounts.”
No. 12,000–12,002: Ivana Trump, Ivana Trump’s divorce attorney, and Ivana Trump’s book agent.
No. 12,550: Yemen. “Or is that the good one? Which is the good one?”
No. 12,781: San Juan, Puerto Rico. POTUS wants to “teach that lady mayor something about gratitude.” Asked if the U.S. would be responsible for rebuilding after the destruction, POTUS spent several minutes trying out different pronunciations of “Puerto Rico.”
No. 14,440 and 14,441: California park system. POTUS says a “tremendous supporter” from northern California had repeatedly invited him to tour the parks, but, “come to find out, it’s just a bunch of trees.”
No. 15,000: The moon. “I was just sitting here thinking, you know, ‘What would happen if we blew up the moon?’ Can you imagine the ratings?”
No. 19,388: “Al-Shabbat.” Asked by a State Department aide if POTUS might be confusing Al-Shabaab, the Somali-based terrorist group, and Shabbat, the traditional Jewish meal, POTUS said: “No. No. I wouldn’t get that wrong. Trust me. My son-in-law, most Jewish guy you’ve ever met.”
No. 19,399: “That guy,” said POTUS, pointing to the aide who questioned him about Al-Shabaab. “Thinks he’s so smart. If you’re so smart, how come you’re over there in a $200 suit, and I’m over here with the nukes?”
No. 21,082: Trump Ocean Club International Hotel and Tower in Panama City, Panama. “A total loser, I knew it. But make it look like an accident.” Rubbing his fingers together, he whispered: “Insurance.”
No. 25,580–25,719: The homes and offices of any person who has previously worked for POTUS as an accountant, attorney, secretary, personal assistant, White House Chief of Staff, Miss USA, or Miss USA runner-up. “You know that thing about ‘skeletons in the closest’? It’s not such a big deal if yours really are skeletons.”
No. 28,672: “Those last few pounds Melania can’t get rid of since we got back from Europe.” When a Secret Service officer alerted POTUS this would put the First Lady in imminent danger, POTUS replied: “You think I don’t know nuclear? My uncle went to M.I.T. And I could’ve gone too if I wanted, but... you see the women there? Woof.”
No. 28,673: M.I.T.
No. 30,030-30,035: Vietnam. POTUS “skipped” the “disaster” of the Vietnam War because “we had losers running it.” He thinks “winning, finally” is the only way to properly honor the memory of his “amazing” years at the Wharton School of Finance and Commerce.
No. 32,000: Rex Tillerson. “Who’s a moron now? Seriously, how could anyone think he’s smarter than me? He doesn’t even tweet!"
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