Working Girl

When she's not slobbering on President Bush, Michele Bachmann works overtime to embarrass her constituents

What more can be said of Michele Bachmann (R-Crazytown), Minnesota's most notorious department-store mannequin turned GOP she-bot? The Sixth District representative has a long history of expelling hilariously clueless verbiage, such as her claim last year that she knew of a secret Iranian plan to partition Iraq.

She added a bullet point to her résumé of lunacy at a press conference last week while defending the Republican-proposed Middle Class Protection Act, a misleadingly named piece of legislation that would cut the corporate tax by as much as 35 percent.

"I am so proud to be from the state of Minnesota," she said. "We're the workingest state in the country, and the reason why we are, we have more people that are working longer hours, we have people that are working two jobs."

Michele, baby, while we Minnesotans take pride in our work ethic, we also take pride in our grammar. So when you say stuff like "workingest state in the country," it reflects poorly on us, your humble constituents. It's akin to saying "the jumpingest player in the NBA." Or "the dumbfuckingest cretin in Congress."

Secondly: When you're trying to justify obscene tax breaks to your campaign benefactors, it's a bit condescending to congratulate us for being forced to work longer hours. Are you insane?

Wait. Don't answer that. —Matt Snyders

You're downsized!

Earlier this month, Macy's CEO Terry J. Lundgren appeared as a guest judge on The Celebrity Apprentice. Apparently, he was taking notes from the Donald, because last week the colossal department store chain announced it would give the pink slip to 271 employees in the northern Midwest, including about 100 in the Twin Cities area.

"This is part of an ongoing review," said tight-lipped company spokeswoman Jennifer McNamara, who apparently didn't get Trump's memo about snappy catchphrases.

Two days after the announcement, news came that Minnesota's economy is (surprise!) in recession. The unemployment rate in the state jumped from 4.5 percent in November to 4.9 percent in December, the worst it's been since '01.

Somebody needs to tell Michele Bachmann that we just got a little less workingest. —Matt Snyders

Mayoral mugging

The St. Paul Police Department wants Republicans attending this year's national convention to feel welcome. As a gesture of hospitality, the cops want to present GOP delegates with complimentary coffee mugs.

"It's like going to any event and getting a souvenir," says St. Paul Police Department spokesman Tom Walsh.

Last week's City Council agenda featured an item that would have authorized spending up to $4,200 on 1,132 "white ceramic mugs" for convention participants. But Mayor Chris Coleman's office stripped out the disbursement at the last minute.

"We pulled it off the agenda because we hadn't had a conversation with the police department about it yet," says mayoral spokesman Bob Hume. "Part of the opportunity of hosting the RNC is marketing the city, but I don't know if we're sure this is the best way to do it."

No word yet on whether the cops hope to offer similar mugs to the thousands of protesters also expected to converge on St. Paul. —Paul Demko

Vote early, vote often

Fans showing up at recent Timberwolves games have been greeted by a bribe: Proceed to section 101, punch a bunch of All-Star ballots for Al Jefferson, and get two free tickets to a future game.

Issues of ethics and pride aside, what does the league office have to say about this blatant ballot stuffing? "Fans can vote as many times as they want," says NBA spokesman Mark Broussard.

Okay, so the league doesn't care. But is it working? Let's put it this way: The fans get to select two forwards to start for the Western Conference, and in the latest tally, Big Al hasn't cracked the top 10. —Jonathan Kaminsky

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