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Wild hockey advice for the Midwestern immigrant

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Like many imports to the Twin Cities, our hockey knowledge is slim. But lack of knowledge should not prevent anyone the opportunity to see Clutterbuck and company up close. What follows is a simple beginners guide to watching the Wild live for Midwestern Immigrants.

1. The Passion of Ice Hockey in this state beats out God. In fact, much of the crowd commits what many consider blasphemy throughout most of the game. (jesusjesusjesus! goddammitgoddammitclearclear!) But in the sanctuary of the Xcel center, this is not considered blasphemy. Just ask any local Catholic Priest wearing a jersey and habit, they'll tell you the only way a person commits a sin in St. Paul is to curse the name of Herb Brooks.

2. What not to say: "Yeah, this is a good atmosphere, but what are all these Dallas fans doing here?" Midwestern Immigrant, you must know the departure of the Northstars to a place known for Hee-Yahs wounded the state. Don't bring it up.

3. What to say: "Coach really needs to play Boogaard more." Everyone loves their enforcer. And the Wild have the greatest enforcer in the game. Boogaard is a monster and protects his teammates through ruthless punches to the skull. His first name is not that important. You'll have them at "Boo."

4. That little black circle skating across the ice is called a "puck." Don't worry if you feel stupid. No one who grew up in a state free of hockey knew that... because no one who was without access to live hockey--pre HD era--could ever see the damn thing. It's okay if you always assumed the giant men who skated across your fuzzy Zenith were a bunch of Russians doing the Soviet swing.

5. But don't ever refer to the game of hockey as, "A bunch of Russians doing the Soviet swing."