Say what you will of Louie the Loon, Skeeta the Mosquito, Babe the Blue Ox, Wanda the Walleye, and Bullseye, this much is certain: None of Target Field's current racing mascots (with the possible exception of Skeeta) are demented, macabre nightmare creatures.
That much certainly can't be said for Bobert, Lucy, Tater, and D.D. Grayduck, the crop of newbies vying to replace—and, in all likelihood, kill and eat—one of the retiring classic mascots next season. Twitter was introduced to the horrifying gang of Minnesota avatars on Monday. Reactions were... well, take a look:
are you guys okay— Zach (@floyding) August 14, 2018
what the hell— Jake Grovum (@jgrovum) August 13, 2018
I AM O.D. GREYDUCK. I AM THE ONE WHO IS THREE. I PRAY FOR DEATH, BUT THAT IS A GIFT I CAN ONLY GIVE AND NEVER RECEIVE— Gwen (@TrashGwen) August 14, 2018
you got anything that's not nightmare fuel?— ben (@BenBontreger) August 13, 2018
AKA a cheeseburger bleeding out from a GSW, a duck carrying two dead bodies by the neck, something to murder me while fishing, and Hannibal Lecter's hotdish— Mike Boeve (@mikeboeve) August 13, 2018
You know it's possible to make these things cute and not terrifying right?— Einstürzende Joe Biden (@MaxGenecov) August 14, 2018
The Twins even supplied bios for each new mascot.
We learn that Bobert, who resembles a paramilitary Deadmau5, prefers high-test fishing line, though it's unclear if it's intended for fish or hostages. It's revealed that Lucy, who's gushing yellowish slime from her head, has no known hometown. We discover that Tater, whose ceramic skull exposes a mound of brains, prowls Austin, Minnesota's SPAM Museum. And then there's D.D. Grayduck, the nervous man-sized duck who's hoisting two (hopefully breathing) fellow ducks by the necks.
Anyway, the City Pages Mascot Terror Desk wants to know: Which of the new mascot prospects strikes the most fear into your heart?
You can vote for your, er, favorite here for a chance to win a pair tickets to the 2019 Home Opener at Target Field, plus the opportunity to run the mascot race as the new mascot. The legal disclaimer does not specify what sort of hellish bargain might be required to win back your human body.
In other voting news, it's primary day in Minnesota! Read this handy voting guide from MPR, then run to your polling place as if Tater was in hot pursuit.