What's wrong with Iowa?


It was an ass-whoopin' of embarrassing proportions for the Gophers, a merciless 55-0 throttling at the hands of those wily Iowa Hawkeyes.

But football players weren't the only Hawkeyes scoring in the Metrodome on Saturday.

Two Iowa fans were caught fornicating in a Metrodome bathroom during the game after a security guard spotted two pairs of underwear draped over two pairs of shoes in--we shit you not--a handicapped stall.


The officer broke up the philanders and ticketed them with misdemeanors. The woman subsequently returned to her husband, the man to his girlfriend.(!)

Now: I'm a native Iowan and University of Iowa alum and, as such, am frequently confronted with bizarre Iowa-related news stories (the last being the Iowans' attempt to place a visiting Karl Rove under citizens' arrest), and subsequently asked by my Minnesota Nice interrogator, "What the hell's wrong with Iowa?"

The answer, of course, is nothing.

In fact, it's impossible to come up with any sane, rational reason why this couple's gyrations warranted any kind of punitive action on behalf of the state in the first place. Just what, exactly, was defiled by their supposed debauchery?

A public restroom, remember, is a place fraught-to-the-frills with shit, piss, and bloodied cotton. Not the most romantic place on earth, to be sure, but hardly an environment debauched by the mere presence of drunken fornicators. Assuming the couple planned on cleaning up after themselves, I can make out no discernible harm to the public--physically or morally--and, as a result, see nothing to object to here. (Though, admittedly, they might have erred in choosing a bathroom clearly designated for handicapped folk).

I can already hear the maudlin moralists rushing to judgment on this score, accusing me of obscenity or insanity or both. Likely they will stake their case on some intangible, imaginary threat posed to "the children" or "common decency" or "the public good," an argument every bit as sound as conjuring the bogeyman to justify a government-enforced curfew.

And let's not forget the nature of the event in which the alleged fucking took place. Football is a violent game. People have been injured, paralyzed, even killed on the gridiron. The perpetuators of these injuries are rarely penalized by their employers (Jared Allen notwithstanding) and never punished by the state. I submit that any event that celebrates Bodily Harm should, at the very least, tolerate Bodily Pleasure-- assuming, of course, that the participants are a) consenting adults, b) reasonably attractive, and c) not Larry Craig.

This goes for citizens of all states, even the ghastly, cheese-hoarding Wisconsinites.