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What's in those national delegate goodie bags, anyway?

Always wanted to be a national delegate from Minnesota? It's easy. All you have to do is become politically involved, lobby the right people, win an election, and wait four years until the next presidential tilt.

Always wanted to know the benefits that national delegates enjoy? Here are the most intriguing contents of the goodie bag. Let's go beyond buttons, guidebooks and maps, shall we? Here's are six items you, the Minnesota delegate, would see from Denver:

1. AN EMERGENCY RADIO

In case the apocalypse comes, people will search for a delegate like yourself: you'll have this handy emergency radio for use during natural disasters! It almost makes you regret that those four tornadoes didn't ravage the town during night one.

2. MACARONI AND CHEESE

Now with hunks of donkey meat inside! The Republicans better watch themselves next week; Elephants are on the endangered species list. Not that it would stop them. 3. ANTIBACTERIAL SOLUTION ON A CARABINER

Wait, what? You say you want me to clip antibacterial solution to my belt and carry it around your city? Are you sure this sends the correct message about Denver? Because to me, this says, "Sure, go to Cherry Creek and Larimer Square. But you'd better wash up, or the Andromeda Strain will make you bleed out your eyes."

4. A PEDOMETER

Just how far away is my hotel room from the nearest light rail stop? Try this pedometer! This item actually does reflect Denver in a fairly accurate fashion. Affix it to a cowboy hat and it'd be perfect.

5. A WATER BOTTLE WITH GREEN MESSAGING

Got an annoying hippie that likes to lecture you about composting? Away from the West Coast, where everyone knows exactly what to recycle, and will tell you so in the most pedantic fashion possible? Get over your homesickness by reading the "green" tips on this water bottle. Hydrate yourself while remembering that person who loves to lecture you about how orange plastic recycles just fine.

6. A ... SOFT LUMP OF BLACK SQUISHY MATERIAL

Look inside your bag and be perplexed. What is that? A stress relieving lump you can mash with your hand? A replica of Colorado's smallest mountain? No, it's a fake hunk of coal with a link to Peabody's clean coal propaganda site embossed on the bottom. I thought this convention was green, man. Only Bob Cratchit would be happy with this -- until he tried to burn the damn thing.

Four years (or more) of work to become a delegate, and you come way with this and a complimentary tin of UPS mints. Hope the admiring looks you get on light rail make it worthwhile.


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