Take cover, Twin Cities. The only thing worse than watching the Vikings getting picked apart by Philadelphia was realizing what that meant: The Eagles are going to the Super Bowl... and their fans are coming to Minneapolis.
Named for a majestic, soaring creature, the Eagles franchise is followed by a lesser species, one that survives for months at a time on a diet of cheap beer alone, hunting in packs, overwhelming its prey with a barrage of crude projectiles, profanity, and spittle.
Four decades ago, Philadelphians booed and threw snowballs at Santa. Two decades ago, a quickie-justice courtroom and jail were built in the old Veterans Stadium. Minnesotans who made the trip to Philly 10 days ago came back with stories that could get them membership in the VFW.
Locals must prepare in earnest for the arrival of the barbaric hordes. Minnesota Nice will not get us through this. Thus, a point-by-point survival guide for making it to Monday.
Prior to the NFC Championship Game, Philadelphia city workers were seen greasing the city’s street light poles to make climbing them more difficult. No matter. Sloshed Eagles fans shimmied up anyway. They can have the poles, but let’s not let our monuments be mounted. By Sunday morning, the following shall be coated in Crisco: the newly relit Grain Belt sign, First Avenue, the Spoonbridge and Cherry, the St. Paul Cathedral, the rest of Cathedral Hill, Split Rock Lighthouse, the Mary Tyler Moore statue, the Sid Hartman statue—and, come to think of it, Sid Hartman.
Eagles supporters rain down terror from above. Anything throwable will do: snowballs, cheesesteaks, batteries, full beer cans, commemorative items honoring the dead. Once, as an enraged Phillies fan was being ejected, he got back at his antagonist by induced-vomiting on the man—and his 11-year-old daughter. We can limit toss-able items, but cannot surgically remove their bile ducts. Plan on donning a helmet... and a coat you don’t care for.
You know those friends who taught their kids it’s OK to pee anywhere, and now everyone has to pretend there’s not a 10-year-old urinating loudly five feet from the grill? That parent is Philly, and that kid is everyone there. In 2016, the city began painting building exteriors with a special reflective coating, intended to bounce piss back onto the pisser. One visiting Minnesota fan told of having his Vikings hat knocked off his head; as if on cue, another Eagles fan quickly peed on the cap. Beware yellow snow throughout Super Bowl week, and when your hand comes to rest on something that feels wet, but shouldn’t, wash it immediately.
Mind the horses
In successive weeks, two different Eagles fans were arrested for punching police horses. Minneapolis should protect its equine servants by erecting a series of dummy cop horses downtown. (A mid-tailgate Philly guy can’t tell if a horse is alive, a statue, or a blood relative.) Make the statues out of titanium. Arrest all the bros walking around holding their busted knuckles.
Not content to assault horses, the Eagles fan is equally bothered by modern forms of transportation. The Vikings team bus was pelted with beer bottles and other objects, and Philadelphians are prone to flipping cars postgame, win or lose. It’s safest to avoid being in any sort of organized mode of travel while they’re here, lest some band of them try to tip it over. (Just how “light” is the light rail?) Instead, travel on foot and try to blend in. Stagger a little. If a pack of Eagles guys sets upon you, freeze in place. They will mistake you for a statue, and probably try climbing and/or peeing on you, but will at least leave you upright.
No one is safe
Like a heat wave or the flu, Eagles fans specifically target the most vulnerable. One story told of a fan flipping off a Vikings-hat wearing baby in a stroller. On video, two douchebags paraded in south Philly with a sign reading, “Fuck Millie,” a reference to 99-year-old Vikes fan Millie Wall. The Twin Cities mustn’t let our weakest get separated from the herd. Outfit the patients of Twin Cities children’s hospitals with bear mace. Teach the nuns kung fu. Strap suicide bomb vests to local dachshunds.
There will be fire
The proud Philly fan has a bit of pyromaniac in him. Win, lose, or pregame, Eagles people have been known to set flame to trash, cars, and the jerseys of opposing or former players. The still-extant snow in Minneapolis will serve as a helpful non-flammable boundary. Remember: Should a greased-up climber attempt to set fire to a jersey he is holding—or, just as likely, still wearing—you must use baking soda to extinguish it. Water will only feed the flame! For flaming Eagles fans who are not covered in grease, a dousing of water—or a series of accurate snowballs—will suffice. If neither is available, try rolling the blazing man toward any nearby Eagles fans. Eventually, someone will put out the fire. By peeing on him.
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