You might be baffled, you might be bamboozled,
Floored and flummoxed, your puzzler poozled
Us? Grinchy? You desperately croak,
Why, we’re Minnesota – is this some kind of joke?
We have Holidazzle, and Glögg by the barrel
We've got the Guthrie with its Christmas Carol,
We have so much snow that they close all the schools.
Us? Grinchy? Those ingrates! Those fools!
(Okay, okay, we've got doubts 'bout virgin birth,
But does that mean we're utterly void of all mirth?)
Hey wait! Let's look closer and see how this works
Before we go chucking our pucks at these jerks.
This holiday poll has a cut-and-dry measure:
Web hits from shoppers looking for treasure,
And googling movies like The Polar Express,
And tweeting out tweets like #eggnog #yassss,
And how many Christmas tree farms we’ve got,
Which as it turns out, isn’t a lot.
We can’t touch Washington, top of the list.
It’s the most Christmassy, the least Grinchiest.
And poor Alaska with its wintery weather,
Turns out to be the Grinchiest state ever.
“But, surely,” you think, “we beat the yahoos next door?”
Wisconsin’s no. 14. We’re losers, and we’re sore.
Lest you feel bad for the place where you live,
Lest you burn all the presents you were planning to give,
And rip down the wreaths and the tinsel, too,
And snap that Mariah Carey CD in two,
Take heart, little Whos, from here to Duluth:
While this survey is cute, it’s not the whole truth.
So put down those pucks, those hardened snowballs,
For the holidays mean different things to us all:
There’s the popular stuff -- the elfs at the mall,
The gifts, and the bells, and the decking the halls,
But us Minnesotans, we all understand
That winter's the time to join hand in hand
To help friends and neighbors who have a tough go,
And give them a boost when they’re stuck in the snow,
And we give, oh we give (We don’t mean to boast,
But WalletHub says our state gives the most).
Chin up, Minnesota! Forget our Grinchified name!
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, both one and the same!
And remember when you give that old eggnog a swig,
Our hearts are already three sizes too big.