US Bank announces record profits

US Bank has enough money to buy five stars -- and a small planet.
US Bank has enough money to buy five stars -- and a small planet.

Hey, all you Occupy Wall Street and Occupy MN kids, can you keep it down for a minute? US Bank is trying to count its money, and you're distracting them.

Exhibiting the best worst timing of this young decade, US Bank reported its third quarter profits today. Apparently, despite a tanking economy, the constant doubt in global markets, and a rapidly spreading movement of protest against the banking system... US Bank is absolutely rolling in it.

Setting a new record for profits, US Bancorp raked in $1.273 billion in profit last quarter. Maybe they saw that Occupy MN had about $6,000 cash on hand and thought, "We'll show those punks. We throw $6,000 in our marble fireplaces every night."

The Minneapolis-based bankers are pretty pleased with themselves, explaining in their press release that their profits last quarter are "40.2 percent higher than the $908 million for the third quarter of 2010 and 5.8 percent higher than the $1,203 million for the second quarter of 2011." Basically, US Bank, recalling the best performances of Michael Jordan, just put this game away by scoring 1.2 billion points in the third quarter.

Also like MJ, they're not above a little smack talk. Or at least, the banker-speak version of that. President and CEO Richard K. Davis is quoted excitedly patting US Bank on the back for making the last available money in this Godforsaken country.

"I am exceptionally proud," Davis said, "of our third quarter results, as our Company was able to achieve record earnings in what many would describe as a difficult and uncertain economic environment."

You can just tell that Davis says the word "company" in such a way that it deserves a capital letter. And yes, "many" would describe this as a "difficult...economic environment." They're called regular people.

Some of them have accounts with you at US Bank, or they used to, when they had something to put in there. Now they just wander the lobby aimlessly, occasionally asking the bank teller if there's any good news.

US Bank: We are the 1 percent.

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