Uptown is dead, while I am as interesting as ever

This is a recent photo of Uptown, taken after its untimely death.

This is a recent photo of Uptown, taken after its untimely death. Renee Jones Schneider, Star Tribune

Uptown, the neighborhood in the area of Lake & Hennepin in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is now dead.

Very R.I.P., we'll miss it. It has changed and is no longer the way it was; people there now go to different restaurants and wear different clothes and live in different buildings than they used to, ergo, it died.

Many people have noticed this, but almost all of them have missed the most important point, which is that while Uptown is now dead, I, personally, am as interesting as ever.

The thing about Uptown is that it is not how it used to be, as we all know. It was previously different--the restaurants, the bars, the shops. You used to be able to rent a movie at the Video Update at Dupont and Lake Street, or buy a video game from the Gamestop by Stella's.

Now, in Uptown, people "Netflix & Chill" or buy a video game from the Gamestop by the T-Mobile store. Me? I don't do those things. I am a little cooler, a little more refined.

The people in Uptown (less interesting than me) live differently than they used to, before Uptown died. They live in apartment buildings, some of which are new. I have never before lived in an apartment building that was ever new -- they have always been old, since they were first built. That's a flattering detail about myself that I'll just toss out there.


Does it make me more interesting? I'd like to think so.

The bars, too. I don't like the bars, and there's a good reason there are no bars elsewhere in the city -- they're loud, and the people at them drink. Uptown had never had bars before its untimely death at the hands of the new arrivals. I stopped going to bars when Uptown first got its first bar; previously I used to but now do not. I'm working on some projects instead -- really neat ones you might not quite get.

The businesses in Uptown are pretty lame too. The chain stores that it never ever had before, and that I definitely do not patronize -- remember, I am more interesting than that -- just make it so dull and dead. It's almost like a mall. I wouldn't be surprised if someone built an indoor mall in Uptown, just like in the suburbs. [Rolls eyes.]

Please keep in mind that while Uptown is dead, as you knew and we have discussed here, I am straight thriving. Anything else you have heard about me, from my sister, or whoever, it's just not true.

Please like. Please retweet. Please share.

Please help me acquire an incredibly small amount of social capital, as I have done the thing that is required of me, by making insanely boring comments about Uptown, which is now dead. 

This post appeared originally on Nick Magrino's personal blog.