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University of Minnesota narcs on its pot-smoking students, but in the dumbest way

If you're at the University of Minnesota and smoke the occasional (or daily) joint, you're gonna be stupid and poor your whole life. Wait. Let's take a closer look at those results.

If you're at the University of Minnesota and smoke the occasional (or daily) joint, you're gonna be stupid and poor your whole life. Wait. Let's take a closer look at those results. Ashton/Flickr

Did you get straight A's in college?

If you didn't, you are probably reading this blog post from whatever alleyway or gutter you've consigned your pre-corpse to, and have many, many regrets about the things you did to set your ruined course in life. Like smoking pot. 

The University of Minnesota has produced data to back this up. According to a Star Tribune story, male students who report not getting high on cannabis in the previous month have an average grade point average of 3.33, or in the 'B+,' 'A-' range. 

Male U of M students who reported having smoked weed had an average grade point average of 0.6, well below an 'F,' and many were coerced into answering the U's survey from their jail or prison cells.

Wait, no, sorry, we read that part wrong. Their average grade was... 3.11, or -- going by letter grades -- effectively the same or only slightly worse as their non-smoking peers. Male students who smoked every day still had an average GPA of 3.01, which, considering the school, is still probably more impressive than people you know who own businesses or fathered children.

Among female students, this gap was even smaller. (No surprise there.) Women with absolutely no pot in their past had a 3.4 GPA, on average. Those who copped to smoking in the previous month had a... (OH MY GOD CALL THE COPS!) 3.36 average, or 0.04 off their cannabis-averse peers. Female students who'd smoked every day in the past month came in at 3.18 GPA --  0.17 better than their male weed-head fellow students, and just 0.12 off the pace of non-high-getting Gopher women.

(Only slightly off-topic: Does everyone get good grades at the University of Minnesota?)

[Very on-topic: pssst... hey kids? No one asks about your GPA after your first job, and if they make a big deal about it at your first job, you prolly don't even want that job anyway. Flee to California or Portland or Denver.]

These results are devastating. Just which way they are depends on who you ask. Dave Golden, director of public health and communications at the U's Boynton Health, says the study "has to be a factor" as the state of Minnesota considers legalizing cannabis for recreational use.

Agreed, Dave. The fact that students who never touch the stuff get roughly a 'B+,' and the ones who smoke every day get roughly a 'B' -- unless they're women, in which case the gap is even less noticeable -- is a clear indication of... something. Whether the smokers listen to better music or are better at guitar, or know the best place to get chicken wings was not addressed in this "science."

We'll leave it up to the public to decide just how to "factor" this into its debate, but know this:

Three out of the the last four American presidents admitted to smoking pot in their youth. The only one that didn't is currently in office, and struggles with facts, coherency, fidelity (in all ways), and basic human decency.

Parents, don't let your kids experiment with pot in college. They might grow up to be a not-fascist president, and according to election results, we don't want that anymore.