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UFF DUH! Minnesota is as Minnesota Does

Shannon Brady

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, FORMER TV ANCHORS DO

Sen. Rod Grams--who while you weren't looking has been appointed the Senate's representative to the United Nations--on the geopolitical and humanitarian implications of U.S. policy toward Iraq: "If we feel that we have to pull the trigger, I think we'll do it."

NIGHTCLUBBIN'!

Minneapolis police employed billy clubs and tear gas on an unarmed crowd while breaking up a scuffle at a South Minneapolis underground punk-rock venue, the Bombshelter.

AND HIS VIDEO LOOKS LIKE A FIFTH-GRADER GETTING A WEDGIE

Teenager Kid Jonny Lang dumped the Big Bang band that mentored him to stardom shortly after landing a major-label recording contract.

THE FAST-FOOD MEXICAN RESTAURANT THAT WAS THERE BEFORE HAD BETTER TASTE

Even when it is not open, the new chichi Italian eatery Campiello refuses to allow cars into its monster parking lot, further raising the stress level in claustrophobic Uptown Minneapolis.

A HEADLINE WE WISH WE'D READ

Dore Mead defeated in City Council race by Fa So La Ti Do

START BY SWEEPING THE FOOTBALL TEAM OUT OF THE GUTTER AND INTO THE TRASH

As one of his first official acts as president of the University of Minnesota, Mark Yudof announced a "Take Pride in U" initiative to spiff up the campus.

JOHN QUIXOTE

Windmill spinner and Roseville state Sen. John Marty is exploring his second run at the governor's office.

TRANSFORMATION COMPLETE

Longtime male and longtime Democrat Susan Kimberly was lured away from the directorship of a nonprofit group by Republican Mayor Norm Coleman to head up an economic-development team in Southwest St. Paul. She soon outed herself as a Republican.

MUTUAL BENEFITS, PAID ON DELIVERY

One week before announcing its plans for a new city-subsidized office building, Minnesota Mutual held a fundraiser for Norm Coleman that netted $16,000.

AND A THIRD BALLOT ON BEHALF OF HIS GREAT-UNCLE FDR

During the fall primary elections, St. Paul City Council candidate Mark Roosevelt voted in St. Paul, then proceeded to vote in Minneapolis under his former name Mark Hatcher. THE STAMPEDE OF PEOPLE TRYING TO GET OUT OF EARSHOT ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE

New-age musician and former Minnesotan Yanni upset the Archeological Survey of India by holding a concert in front of the Taj Mahal. The department feared that vibrations from his music would disturb the mortar holding the marble slabs of the 17th-century tomb.

FIGHTING FIRE WITH HOT AIR

Last March, on the weekend before the Ramsey County commissioner special election, St. Paul Fire Fighters Union President Gary Olding left a threatening message on the answering machine of candidate and City Council member Janice Rettman, garnering her enough sympathy votes to carry her to victory.

PRIDE IS EXPENSIVE

Norm Coleman's re-election campaign spent nearly $1.3 million (over $350 per vote), more than Paul Wellstone spent on his senatorial bid in 1990.

KIDS IN BAGGY PANTS ARE NOT FISCAL MODERATES

Southwest Minneapolis City Council races grew ugly when Ward 10 candidate Lisa McDonald reported her oft-misread lawn signs were being burned and Ward 13 candidate Steve Minn first claimed that 20, then 50, then 70, then 100 (20 percent) of his lawn signs were stolen by either his opponent Karen Wilson or the Linden Hills band of kids known as the 2-1 Click.

SO MUCH FOR NAFTA

Last August, Mayor Norm Coleman unveiled his plans to restore the economic and cultural vitality of the St. Paul riverfront. The plan itself was printed in Canada.

THE DOG'S GOTTA GO, THE ASSES AND BYRDS CAN STAY

A visually impaired aide to Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Oregon) was barred from bringing her guide dog onto the Senate floor. The senator promptly introduced a resolution (co-sponsored by Sen. Wellstone) to allow disabled people to bring the guides onto the floor. Sen. Robert Byrd (D-West Virginia) telephoned in his objection.

SOME PEOPLE JUST KNOW HOW TO FLY

$40,000 worth of hashish was found on a Northwest Airlines passenger plane.

CUTER THAN GANDHI AND JUST AS TALL

Sen. Paul Wellstone conducted a nationwide poverty tour to launch his 2000 presidential campaign.

GLUE FUTURES DOWN SHARPLY

The Minneapolis Police Department's mounted patrol unit is under a state criminal probe following allegations of missing horses and money. All 23 horses have been located, not so the money. MOUNT YOUR BROTHER ON YOUR WALL

 

Continuing an annual pattern, two Minnesotans were killed and dozens wounded in the 1997 round of hunting accidents.

ACTUALLY, THE WOMAN WAS TOM BARNARD'S WIFE

Former Edge morning loon Cabe, brought over to the KQ morning crew to bring a breath of fresh air, got canned when he faked a live stunt that left the impression he was greeted at the hotel-room door of Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre by a woman who was not Favre's wife.

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE

Damned liberals. If only they'd listened to mayoral candidate Barbara Duffy Carlson. If only they'd had the courage to elect a leader who knew it "wasn't about being nice," the city of Minneapolis could've been saved. Lazy welfare moms would've been shipped back to Rockford, their lazy husbands would've been thrown in the clink, and all God's children would've been raised in a city orphanage. The pride would come back from St. Paul to roost in downtown Minneapolis, where Babs could shop for her slimming black frocks and shimmering white pearls in peace.

GOOD THING SHE DIDN'T LIVE IN A BIGGER CITY

Former University of Minnesota basketball player Courtney James was convicted of domestic assault after allegedly swatting his girlfriend with a Minneapolis phone book.

I STAND BY MY WORK...UNTIL I SIT DOWN

After staunchly defending a WCCO television news series on the safety of planes owned by Northwest Airlines during a hearing before the Minnesota News Council, anchor Don Shelby admitted in an interview for the council's newsletter that the station used "techniques that looked like tabloid journalism," and engaged in "poor storytelling" that "troubled me as an investigative reporter."

FREE FLEA COLLAR WITH EVERY ISSUE

City Pages was bought by Stern Publishing, part of the empire of Leonard Stern, whose money comes from Hartz Mountain pet supplies.

BUT HE WAS TOO CHEAP TO PAY FOR A PILLOW FIGHT WITH CHELSEA

Local Democratic Party moneybags Vance Opperman bought himself an evening in the White House's Lincoln Bedroom.

A BONNIE, A QUARTET OF CLYDES, AND A CASE OF DR. PEPPER

Two boys were hospitalized after a 14-year-old girl took them for a test drive in a small sport-utility vehicle borrowed from Walser Leasing in Hopkins. According to one of the boy's mothers, the girl "misled and lured" four boys to go with her and get some pop. After driving for four blocks, the girl lost control of the car and hit a tree.

AH, THE HU PLIG CONTINGENCY

Judge J. Thomas Mott ruled that stabbing victim Txawj Xiong was entitled to restitution from his attacker for the costs of a Hmong Hu Plig healing ceremony.

BACK TO THE ANIMALS WHERE HE BELONGS--AND NO TIME OFF FOR COMMUNITY SERVICE

A 30-year-old former St. Louis Park community-service officer was charged with third-degree criminal sexual conduct for allegedly having sex with a 14-year-old girl, an act that prompted St. Louis Park Sgt. Greg Loiselle to remind his constituents that community-service officers--who handle situations such as animal control and recovering bicycles--are not police officers. TO AVOID BEING OFFENDED, PLEASE STAY CLEAR OF THE STRIP OF LAND BETWEEN LAKE MICHIGAN AND THE ST. CROIX RIVER

After a complaint from a local attorney, the Jaycee-sponsored Bratwurst Days festival in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, is now displaying warnings about the town's bratwurst-eating contest. Festival guests will be notified about the contest, so they don't have to watch. Also, contestants will be warned that eating rapidly in large quantities can cause ill health.

BIGFOOT: THE NEW JOHN HOLMES

Researchers from the University of Michigan and the University of Geneva discovered that the same genes that control the development of a man's hands and feet also play a role in the growth of male genitalia.

TELL THE RUBES IN EAST ST. PAUL IT'S A POLITE HOCKEY GAME

According to Star Tribune critic Paul Levy, the production of Starlight Express put on at the Target Center this November lacked only "one key ingredient: a target audience."

MY DINNER WITH ANDREW: RECIPES BY JEFFREY DAHMER AND ED GEIN

Star Tribune Managing Editor Pam Fine couldn't wait to tell someone (anyone!) about sharing a dinner table with super-celeb spree killer Andrew Cunanan at the Blue Point. Strib gossip columnist C.J. reported that Ms. Fine "smiled bashfully" at the remembrance of Cunanan picking up the check for the evening's wine and oysters, but went on to disclose that her boss "thought he came off bratty and arrogant."

 

LET THE FUCKIN' PIGEONS FEND FOR THEMSELVES

In case the accounts of human heroics weren't enough to paint the picture that things were bad--real bad--local news outlets issued extended reports on the emergency evacuation of cats, dogs, rabbits, ferrets, pigeons, and assorted reptiles during the weeks following the flood in Grand Rapids.

PARADE OF HO'S

The St. Paul Police Department has made it a little easier for hookers and johns to scope one another out. At www.stpaul.gov/police, where "all persons are considered innocent until proven guilty," you can find color photos and stats of those recently arrested for prostitution in St. Paul.

HUNDREDS OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND THREE UGLY COPS

Dancers at Déjà Vu and Dream Girls reported that they frequently performed couch and lap dances for three Minneapolis police officers. In return, officers allegedly never pushed to prosecute clubs for hiring underage dancers, and always managed to look the other way during illegally lewd performances.

IT WORKS ON CHEESEHEADS TOO

Two Wisconsin teenagers were arrested for illegally hunting deer. The teens lured deer onto the road by sprinkling it with dear urine, and ran the animals down with their vehicles. According to AP reports, the boys then kicked the deer, just to make sure they were actually dead.

NOW AT THE WEDGE FOR $4.39 A POUND

Scientists at the University of Toronto and York University have determined that eating dirt found in China's Hunan province, Zimbabwe, and Stokes County, North Carolina, can be beneficial to one's health.

HE LIKES TO BE ON TOP

Former Marquette University cheerleader Douglas O'Reilly is suing the school. He maintains that he suffered back injuries while lifting female cheerleaders who were, in his words, "just too heavy." AND THE VICTIMS BLED KETCHUP

Two teenagers from Austin, Minnesota, were accused of committing drive-by shootings. Their alleged weapon: a spud gun.

King of the Hill WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM

Doctors at a hospital in Burlington, Massachusetts, say a patient passed out twice and temporarily lost his sight due to trauma suffered while laughing hysterically at an episode of Seinfeld.

HE COULDN'T LIFT CHEERLEADERS EITHER

A 60-year-old man choked to death while taking part in a sushi eating contest in Takahata, Japan. He only managed to eat three items, and didn't win.

HE'S ASKING FOR $1.38, PLUS A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF COTTER PINS

Raymond Van Beck filed a lawsuit against Menards and Franklin, Wisconsin, claiming that the store and city smeared his reputation by falsely accusing him of shoplifting a 5-cent nut last May.

THE 1997 "NO SHIT" AWARD

A poll conducted by the Grand Forks Herald and reprinted by the Star Tribune revealed that 57 percent of flood victims were angry, and 51 percent "unusually irritable."

REFERRED TO IN GERMANY AS LEDERHOSEN LOIN

British doctors blame the techno-driven dance parties known as "raves" for two disorders: "PVC bottom" is the severe chafing caused by tight plastic clothing worn without underwear; while "clubber's nipple" is caused by jumping around for several hours in nylon or string vests.

BUT WILL IT GROW HAIR ON YOUR MOUSE?

The New York Center for the Strange surveyed 355 American witches about the upcoming year. Among the predictions: shortages of razor blades and salsa, a Microsoft program that replaces sex, and a musical remake of Gone with the Wind starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Madonna, and Brad Pitt.

AND CONNIE SELLECA IS JABBA THE HUT

A Web site put online by the National Anti-Tesh Action Society claims that John Tesh is an alien sent to soften us up for invasion.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "STILL LIFE"

A winning entry in a dog-themed art show in Bisbee, Arizona, featured the artist's dead puppy placed in a glass bowl surrounded by fruit and vegetables.

TWO HITS RECORDED SO FAR

Sen. Grams has added a photo archive to his Web site. Currently featured are pictures of the senator and Lt. Gov. Joanne Benson against the backdrop of the Capitol. Downloads take only 10 minutes or so and are in living color. NO ROOM FOR CRY BABIES, BUT A WIDE GIRTH FOR WHINERS

 

In Denny Green's autobiography, the Vikings' coach voices his irritation with rumors of his dismissal. He also wonders why the Minnesota media haven't given him a break. Autographed copies are available in the discount bin.

IF IT ISN'T FIXED, LET'S BREAK IT

In an October "Message of the Week" Sen. Grams declared, "We don't need new campaign finance laws--simply loading new laws upon those which have already been broken won't solve problems."

THEY'LL GET MY DILLY BAR WHEN THEY PRY MY COLD DEAD HANDS OFF THE STICK

A "disgruntled" International Dairy Queen stockholder has filed a suit in Delaware to prevent investor Warren Buffet from buying the Edina fast-food chain for $585 million.

THE HEAD CHEESE IS THE BEST

Twin Citians who drive across the St. Croix to River Falls, Wisconsin, can have their roadkill stuffed while they purchase a fresh pound of Colby at Aves Taxidermy and Cheese on Highway 35.

FINALLY, A CHANCE TO URINATE OUTSIDE

In September, Sen. Grams's Web page praised flood victims by headlining his weekly message, "After the Floods: Minnesotans are Optimistic."

LIFE, Liberty!, AND A $1 SURCHARGE

Some ATMs around town flashed ads for PBS's Liberty! The American Revolution. The exclusive corporate sponsor of the program is Norwest Banks.

THE CRIME IS THAT THESE PEOPLE WERE IN THIS RACE

Following the post-debate brawl at Lucille's Kitchen, both would-be Minneapolis mayors explained to reporters how their respective visions offered voters a clear alternative. Carlson: "Sharon's people want to talk about race to distract us from her record on crime." Sayles Belton: "This campaign is not about race at all. It's about crime."

IT SURE IS FUNKY IN HERE

Meanwhile, Brian Sweeney, Carlson's campaign manager, compared his candidate's appearance at the Lucille's Kitchen forum--sponsored by an African American newspaper--to going into the "belly of the whale."

IS THAT A CANDY BAR IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

A federal marshal in New York City was put on leave after shooting a teenager who was walking down the street eating a Three Musketeers bar. The officer claimed he thought the silver wrapper was a weapon.

YOU'LL FIND THE DOSTOYEVSKY BETWEEN THE KATHY IRELAND BUTT SQUEEZER AND THE BLENDERS

Best Buy is reducing its stock of CDs to make room for other merchandise. Among other things, the superstore will be selling exercise equipment and books. WEREWOLVES OF CITY HALL

Tired of waiting to be mayor, Minneapolis City Council President Jackie Cherryhomes decides to take out Sharon Sayles Belton on her own.

AND THE CEO OF VALUJET FOR PRESIDENT

Northwest Airlines chairman Al Checchi is running for governor of California.

DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT THE GUNK BETWEEN THE CAR SEATS

In North Charleston, South Carolina, cops held a man in jail for six weeks on drug charges because they didn't believe the powder in his pocket was a mushy vitamin tablet. "I didn't know it was there," said the accused. "[It] had been washed in the washing machine."

THE STUDY COST AN ARM AND A LEG

After months of on-site research, scientists' observations lead to the shocking discovery that "something" in the Minnesota River is causing frogs to mutate.

NOW WHERE DID I PARK THE DAMN CAR?

Canadian Dawn Allan disappeared for two days last June, and was later found in Florida with complete amnesia. Police discovered her car parked at the Mall of America.

AND IF JESUS SEES HIS SHADOW WE GET SIX WEEKS OF LENT

An Easter-egg hunt at the mansion of Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad was cancelled because someone scheduled it three weeks after the holiday.

IF YOU BUILD IT THEY WILL WATCH ON TV

Vikings tickets sold so poorly that all games were blacked out from Twin Cities television until the second half of the season.

NEXT STOP BRAZIL!

The Minneapolis-based company that owns and operates the Rainforest Cafe plans to open a location in Mexico City.

UP UNTIL NOW, IOWA'S ILLITERACY RATE KEPT THESE LITTLE ERRORS FROM GETTING NOTICED

The University of Iowa misspelled "university" on all 137 diplomas sent to graduates in the civil- and mechanical-engineering programs this summer. Graduates of the "Univeristy of Iowa" eventually received free replacements.

 

THAT'S DEPUTY REAGAN TO YOU

The Milwaukee County sheriff's department officially retired badge number 666, after a prison guard wearing that badge number was nicknamed the "Devil Deputy" by a prisoner. THE LAST ONE WENT UP HER ASS

Maria Garza of Moorhead sued her landlords for $150,000, claiming her apartment was so bug-infested, a cockroach got lodged in her ear and had to be removed by her doctor. She also tacked on a second suit--this one for $200,000--attached to the allegation that her landlord failed to return her security deposit.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LICK THE OTHER SIDE

Packer fan Noel Franus complained to the U.S. Postal Service that the new Vince Lombardi stamp doesn't show the gap in the coaching legend's teeth.

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, 119 OF THEM WEREN'T MEMBERS OF HER HMO

Nadean Cool, a woman diagnosed with more than 120 different personalities, sued her psychiatrist in Appleton, Wisconsin, for malpractice. The doctor allegedly billed her for group therapy.

AND IF THEY DON'T SELL ENOUGH "RESERVATIONS," THEY'LL MOVE TO BILOXI

The owners of the as-yet-unnamed St. Paul expansion hockey franchise announced that fans willing to plunk down $100 now can reserve a place on the "priority" list to buy season tickets for the team's inaugural season.

BUY US A STADIUM OR THIS KID DIES! ...OOPS

The Minnesota Twins were forced to yank a pro-stadium commercial from local stations after only one airing. The ad depicted a player visiting the bedside of a child suffering from leukemia, with a voiceover cautioning that this kind of magic moment could never again happen in Minnesota if the Twins didn't get a new baseball stadium. By the time the commercial aired, the child had died.

FEAR AND HEMORRHOIDS IN ASPEN

In Aspen, Colorado, Hunter S. Thompson was excused from the jury pool in the drunk-driving case against John Denver. Thompson was immediately dismissed after admitting to having a case of sciatica, which makes sitting for long periods of time uncomfortable.

NATTERING NABOBS OF OPTIMISM?

In a November 19 column, increasingly irrelevant PiPress columnist Tom Powers prayed for a Spiro Agnew-esque silent majority, hoping it would rise up to support the beleaguered Minnesota Twins.

AND ON YOUR LEFT, REAL NEGROES

The Association of Block Clubs offered "crack tours" in the Phillips neighborhood. Resident guides exposed the uninitiated to such useful inner-city skills as "how to spot a drug dealer," "what a bullet hole looks like," and "the economics of street-hooking."

I'VE BEEN BRUTALIZED AND I CAN'T GET UP

When a quadriplegic man failed to follow the put-your-hands-over-your-head-or-I'll-shoot command, two St. Paul cops beat him to near unconsciousness.

THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN TO FAT WHITE MALES

Tom Arnold's latest attempt, The Tom Show, is "loosely" based on his life. The only thing remotely funny in this small-screen adaptation is that Arnold's ex-wife is played by a former Playboy Playmate. CRIME DOESN'T PAY, SO HIRE SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT

A local shoplifter claimed the well-to-do Dick family hired him to steal expensive designer merchandise. With help from a cadre of high-priced lawyers, all but one of the Dicks was acquitted.

NO THANKS, WE JUST HAD NUTS

Next to the $8 bottle of beer and $5 bag of chips, forgetful fornicators can now find condoms in some hotel minibars.

AS IF IT WERE AN OPTION

Members of the Christian-based men's group the Promise Keepers vow to remain faithful to their wives.

AND DON'T FORGET THE ANNE DUNLAP DESIGNER TRASH BAGS

This season's hottest holiday gift item for the attorney on your list is the "James Moon Anchor."

VOTER PERSUASION, ONE BULLET AT A TIME

Following a verbal tussle at one of the Minneapolis mayoral debates, Sayles Belton bodyguard Charlie Adams shot at a neighborhood activist's car, claiming that he tried to "run me [Adams] down."

HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE DROP-IN CENTER ON THE SECOND FLOOR

Following an aborted leap from the 23rd floor of the Government Center, a Hennepin County sheriff explained to reporters that the man who jumped was having "personal problems."

BRACE YOURSELF: DIANA'S BACK!

Hats off to KARE-11's Diana Pierce for making the most of an inconvenient back brace. Since her injury in September, Pierce and the brace have made many public appearances together, including the home of a young viewer who also wears one. They compared braces for the cameras of KARE and the Pioneer Press.

 

HE LOST HIS INSIDE DIAN PARKINSON

At the end of every episode of The Price Is Right, game-show host Bob Barker kindly leans toward the camera and advises, "Have your pet spayed or neutered."

NOW IF WE CAN JUST STOP HIM FROM KNITTING THOSE AWFUL SWEATERS

After some tepid criticism from PiPress columnist Katherine Lanpher, former St. Paul artist Leroy Neiman--who specializes in sports art that looks like a child finger-painted in vomit--announced he would not participate in local plans to set up a museum in his honor.

WITH THE BODY OF NATALIE WOOD THEY COULDA CHARGED DOUBLE

The Mall of America's Underwater World filed for Chapter 11 debt protection in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. Independent financing experts had predicted 1.8 million visitors for the subterranean aquarium's first year, but only 1.4 million showed up. CHILLIN' IN THE HOOD

At select bus shelters, MTC riders can share the subzero weather with the KARE 11 team. Posters of the jocular, smiling huddle--Paul Magers, Diana Pierce, Pat Miles, and the gang--promote the KARE Bears bundled in the warmest of parkas.

WAIT UNTIL THEY PUT UP THE WAILING WALL

The Mall of America became the number-one tourist destination in the nation this year, surpassing the numbers of visitors to Disney World, Graceland, and the Grand Canyon combined. Almost half (41 percent) of the Mall's visitors come from farther than 150 miles away.

GUARDS TRIPLE THEIR INCOME

In an effort to curtail rising health-care costs, Minnesota jails went smoke-free this summer, pushing the price of cigarettes higher than that of dope.

A MESSY NIGHT IN COATES

Just before midnight on Tuesday, September 9, Ted Bohn heard the bawling of a milk cow indicating that a calf had gotten lost on his farm near Coates, about 20 miles south of St. Paul. The calf was found stuck in a manure pool about 50 feet in diameter and 8 feet deep. Armed with flashlights and a cell phone, Bohn and his girlfriend, Barb Gallagher, tried to rescue the animal as Gallagher's 13-year-old son, Gary, looked on. Bohn slid down to the edge of the mucky lake only to realize that the calf was too far away to grab. Then Bohn slipped and was instantly chest deep in crap, holding onto weeds, with his head just above total olfactory annihilation on the edge of the pit. Gallagher grabbed Bohn's shirt and held him above the sludge but couldn't extricate the 225-pound man from his predicament. Teetering on the brink of exhaustion, Bohn told Gallagher to let go of him and grab a ladder that was by the road several hundred feet across the yard. Gallagher refused to budge and asked her 4-foot, 10-inch, 95-pound asthmatic son to grab the ladder. Somehow Gary managed to drag the ladder to the edge of the pit and push it down until Bohn could use it to get out.

STICK HIM IN A JAR OF FORMALDEHYDE FOR SIX MONTHS AND HE'LL LOOK JUST LIKE DAVE MOORE

In an effort to acquire a more venerable image, KARE anchor Paul Magers has taken to wearing glasses and letting his gray hair grow out.

Sid!: A MOOCHER'S MEMOIR

Sid Hartman--the Strib's aged, obsequious sports, ah, "reporter"--was overheard at a lunchtime press conference complaining about all the "freeloaders" who had showed up to scam free food from the Minnesota Gophers' basketball program. These guys never really get down in the trenches and earn their keep, he complained to a maroon-and-gold PR flack. Sid ought to know--he paid Patrick Reusse to write his book.

EXTRA! EXTRA! BEAVER CRIES WOLF AGAIN

What will be more fun than watching the Minnesota Twins play mediocre baseball into the millennium? Waiting to see how long it takes the Strib's stubborn sports columnists and opportunistic editorial board to start backpedaling as smilin' Carl's "deadlines" come and go.

THE BALLS TO BULLSHIT WITH THE BRASS

In February, WCCO's former news anchor, Colleen Needles, filed a complaint against her hot-shot news director, Ted Canova, citing "a pattern of vulgar and derogatory comments." The rumor is that Canova irked Needles when he referred to her as a member of his harem, supposedly to impress visiting CBS dignitary Dan Rather. Canova, who staffers say has a tendency to fly off the handle and use bawdy, "newsroom" humor, denied the story. "This is a refined station with Midwestern values," he told City Pages. Since the 36-year-old Canova has a nice ass, we believe him.

 

WHERE'S DAVID MAMET WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

True story: PiPress theater critic Jayne Blanchard got permission from Arts Editor Bob Shaw to write a piece about producing a play. Blanchard maxed out her credit cards and did the story. Shaw cried conflict of interest. Blanchard was fired. A sexual-harassment suit was filed. Blanchard went to work for the Psychic Hotline.

YOU DON'T EVEN HEAR THE PLANES AS THEY CRASH THROUGH YOUR ROOF

Eagan-based carrier Northwest Airlines has been fitting its DC-9s with ABS Hush Kits in order to comply with 1991 federal noise regulations. However, tests show that if the kit is fit poorly to the engine, the doors encasing the engine's tailpipe could blow open in midflight, causing the plane to roll onto its back, corkscrew down, and crash.

WHAT DO YA CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS, NO LEGS, AND A PH.D. FROM HARVARD?
A SATISFIED ALLIANT TECH CUSTOMER

Officials from Alliant Technologies in Hopkins defend their business to protesters by pointing out that their land mines are smart.

MAKING US LISTEN TO AMY GRANT DOESN'T COUNT

Criticized for refusing to donate profits generated by sales of Elton John's "Candle in the Wind" single to charity, Target Stores argued that it already gave plenty to charity, then hurriedly contributed $100,000 to the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund.


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