Advanced statistics have revolutionized pro sports. Geeks with too much time on their hands devise formulas with weird acronyms that offer new metrics for athletic awesomeness. It's serious, man.
But there's also this thing called the internet where geeks with even more time on their hands employ similar tactics for determining who sucks the most. The New York Times did just that.
Using a mix of semi-scientific and totally arbitrary methods, the influential paper compiled a list of the most cursed sports cities in America. And of course the Twin Cities is on it.
Minneapolis-St. Paul registered at No. 6 on the sucks-to-be-you ranking, sandwiched between Washington D.C. and Philly. In a rude awakening, the Times notes it's been a collective 87 seasons since one of our big four pro teams has won rings.
Just as we were feeling good about our surprisingly surging Twins and an exhilarating (if ultimately disappointing) Wild season, we learn that our home teams have hoisted championship banners only 1.2 percent of the time since 1965.
Heavy is the head who never wears the crown, as the ring-less Vikings bore the largest burden. The Times points to the organization's history of bungling, losing four of the first 11 Super Bowls and coming up short (or wide left) in the 1999 N.F.C. Championship game when Gary Anderson shanked a go-ahead field goal in the final minutes.
The "toughest loss" award went to the Brett Favre-era squad, when the dick-pic QB threw a devastating interception late in the 2010 NFC Championship game against the New Orleans Saints.
The Times tabulated the results of every season in the past 50 years played by pro teams in the four largest sports — baseball, basketball, football, and hockey. It also weighed "close calls" when teams were among the last four standing in their league, but failed to come through in the clutch.
Evidently, the rankings only counted men's sports, so the Lynx's 2011 and 2013 WNBA championships did us no favors.
With zero championship victories since 1965, Cleveland was dubbed the most cursed city in America, followed by Atlanta, whose Braves lost to the Twins in the 1991 World Series — the Twin Cities' last title by these standards.
So, our sports teams quantitatively blow. Now you can resume crying in your overpriced stadium beer.
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