Twin Cities kids review their middle schools and we can't stop reading

“My mom took my weed now I’m sad.” (Five stars.)

“My mom took my weed now I’m sad.” (Five stars.) Getty Images/iStockphoto

The fun part about the internet is that you can now rate literally everything that has a pin on Google Maps – from your neighborhood church to the White House. That includes quite a few middle schools in the metro, and nobody opines quite as definitively or succinctly as a middle schooler. Take Twitter user @MinnesotaMickle’s inspirational collection:

With September drawing to a close, we sifted through the Google reviews. Criteria spanned from a general misery index to the lunch menus to how successfully you can use the Wifi to play phone games. One reviewer gave Franklin Middle School in Minneapolis one star purely because “alan sucks,” so take each with a grain of salt:

“Staff = nice. Bathrooms = horrible” (three stars)
Justice Page Middle School, Minneapolis

“The water fountain outside of Mr. Ford’s room is a serious hazard and should be dealt with. I’m glad it spared me so I could warn you with this review.” (four stars)
Capitol Hill Magnet/Rondo, St. Paul

“I haven’t started yet because school starts Monday but it seems fine.” (three stars)
Sanford Middle School, Minneapolis

“You can’t play fortnite on the WiFi ☹” (one star)
Valley View Middle School, Edina

“Terrible memes.” (one star)
Dakota Hills Middle School, Eagan

“this is a great school because it has boss kids like me” (five stars)
Anthony Middle School, Minneapolis

“Well let’s see… it’s a school. So that deserves some points. It’s a school with teachers, that’s also pretty good. So overall, I’d give it a solid 4 hedgehogs out of 5 raccoons.” (four stars)
Capitol Hill Magnet/Rondo, St. Paul

“This behemoth of a building is most definitely not a place of joy… My friends and I all despised this grotesque building. Go ahead and try taking the stairs, I hope your body is made of springs. Sure, you can walk in the hallway, but I hope you can turn into a bulldozer. Do you want to know the safest place in the school? Haha, too bad. There is none!” (one star)
Anthony Middle School, Minneapolis

“im in this school right now my teacher is teaching” (five stars)
Battle Creek Middle School, St. Paul

“school sucks. Why go here if you can go somewhere more fun.” (one star)
Anwatin Middle School, Minneapolis

“meh” (two stars)
Oak Grove Middle School, Bloomington

“This school is the reason I am dead inside” (one star)
Richfield Middle School, Richfield

“Would rate 0 if I could all they serve for lunch is chicken. Instead of being Metcalf we should be KFC.” (one star)
Metcalf Middle School, Burnsville

“YOLOSWAG” (two stars)
Capitol Hill Magnet/Rondo, St. Paul

“’Through me you pass into the city of woe; Through me you pass into eternal pain; Through me among the people lost for aye; Justice the founder of my fabric moved; To rear me was the task of power divine; Supremest wisdom, and primeval love; Before me things create were none, save things; Eternal, and eternal I shall endure; All hope abandon, ye who enter here.’ – Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy” (one star)
Black Hawk Middle School, Eagan

“My mom took my weed now I’m sad” (five stars)
Valley View Middle School, Edina