Ah, lists. The No. 1 thing on the internet. The reason we slither from bed toward our smartphones each morning. Reading lists is the most popular use of the internet, according to a recent list, followed by arguing about lists and complaining about lists, respectively. ("The pursuit of knowledge" ranked ninth.)
Minnesotans and Twin Citizens are especially interested in listicles, as we seem to make a review of the smartest, coolest, and bestest places on a weekly basis. This month, the travel experts at Fodor's named the North Loop area of Minneapolis one of the top 25 destinations in the world. The whole world. Because who needs Rome when the Bachelor Farmer is doing interesting things with little pieces of toast?
Our listworthiness is sure to continue in 2016. We're breaking the embargo on a number of hugely important and totally scientific surveys that will recognize local people, places, and things, and fill us with the pride we need to get through one more day. Congratulations, Minnesota. You've made the lists.
1. 17 Sets of Twins You Won't Believe Are Even Related
It made sense once upon a time to think of Minneapolis and St. Paul as sharing DNA, but they've grown apart. Just because they're not identical doesn't mean one has to be better than the other. You both look great in those pants.
2. 5,000 Perfect U.S. Police Departments, According to Internal Discipline Records
3. College Towns with Three or More Pizza Places
4. Both of Those Muslims in Congress, 1789-2016
Minneapolis Democrat Keith Ellison and André Carson, D-Indiana, are the first and only Muslims ever elected. Both would have to serve from Canada if Donald Trump were elected president.
5. 9,970 Lakes That Taste Sort of Like Sprite
Minnesota is still proud of its legion bodies of water, but we forgot to make sure they didn't get polluted. By next year, most of our lakes will be unsuitable for swimming, drinking, or breathing within five miles of the shoreline. The fish have grown hooves. Upside: The water makes pennies shiny!
6. 11 Cities That Are Just One More Sports Stadium from Turning This Economy Around
7. Nine Cities Where It's Better to Be a Bicycle Than a Black Person
Two-wheeled travel has thrived in Minneapolis with Nice Ride and the approval of bike paths, but the city hasn't built avenues of economic success for its African Americans. Frustrated minorities should consider strapping on a pair of tires and a T-shirt that says "Schwinn." They'd have better luck winning over the City Council.
8. Construction Projects to Keep An Eye On
No, not that spaceship thing they're building for NFL crash test dummies. This refers to the state Capitol, currently off-limits to anyone not wearing a hard hat. That means next year, lawmakers will spend a $1 billion surplus by holding "hearings" in a variety of hallways and closets. Don't let them get away with — well, with any more than they usually get away with.
9. 49 States Better Than Yours
This ingenious bit of clickbait figures out the user's location and automatically generates a list of every other state and how great they all are compared to the dump you live in.
10. 72 Airports Bob Dylan Flew Out of Once
11. Most Affordable Suburbs for People Who Make Sex Music
Chanhassen, home to Prince's storied Paisley Park studio, makes this specialized list, as does Maple Grove, which has somehow become the place Sisqó looks for women with thighs like what, what, what.
12. Four Ethnicities Michele Bachmann Is Not Afraid of Yet
13. Euphemisms Your Bigoted Relatives Use Instead of "Gay"
Local entries on this list include a number of coded "Minnesota Nice" terms, including "different," "a little off," and "from the Twin Cities."
14. Six Crazy State Fair Foods to Try Before You Die from Choking on Crazy State Fair Food
15. Cities That Are Basically Hospitals
Rochester, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Mayo Clinic, tops this list of mega-infirmaries that get to elect a mayor. That's not a bad thing. The elderly and the sick are the only things this country still makes. If there is any future for the American economy, it's hiring the young and healthy to keep their machines beeping.
16. 29 NBA Cities More Interesting Than Cleveland
This study seems aimed directly at Kevin Love, who decamped for Ohio to try to win championships with LeBron James. His team's better than ours, sure, but there's no way he's having a better time off the court. Miss us yet, Kev?
17. 25 Places Please Just Click This
18. Adorable Neighborhoods That Think They're Towns
This list is looking at you, Lauderdale. And do we need a North St. Paul, a South St. Paul, and a West St. Paul? Let's make a deal. You enclaves join the tax base, and we'll let you call your weekly coffee chats at Denny's a "city council meeting," where you can vote on whose turn it is to get the bill.
19. One Perfectly Fine Urban Area That Probably Has Better Things to Do Than Worrying About a List Some Intern Threw Together This Morning