Minnesotans reading this story are either under federal indictment for terrorism, or will someday soon be murdered by a terrorist.
This is the perception of Fox News "commentator" Tomi Lahren, who took to the airwaves to voice her fear about our cold-but-otherwise-cool state yesterday. And look, we get why Lahren would be afraid of this place: Last time she was here, she gave some weird-ass talk, enjoyed a delicious and fair-weather brunch, and barely escaped an assassination attempt involving... a glass of water?
"What in the world is going on in Minnesota?" Tomi asks, after reciting statistics about (often U.S.-born) Somali youths leaving this state to join militant groups overseas.
"Hi," our host continues, "I'm Tomi, and I have some first thoughts."
We'd dispute whether Tomi's doing a lot of thinking these days, or at any previous date, because she then goes on to inform viewers who've "never been to Minnesota" that it's "not as all 'aw shucks' Middle America as you may think."
For once, she's right. We are not now -- nor have we ever been -- Mike Pence's Indiana or Scott Walker's Wisconsin. And if you even fucking dare accusing us of being Kristi Noem's South Dakota we will... well, probably we'll just politely end the conversation and then make fun of you behind your back. (We are Midwesterners, after all.)
Tomi then repeats her statistics in almost exactly the same words -- always a good sign of great writing and good thinking. And then repeats them again in different words. If you make a point of watching (honorary Minnesotan?) Tomi Lahren, 1) you get to hear the same thing repeated three times within a minute and 2) we pity you.
"What the hell is going on?" Tomi asks, a restated version of her "What in the world..." question, though this time she's also invoking the devil, so that's at least slightly different.
Tomi then lays out the details of a troubled young woman who got into arson trouble last year. (She failed to do much damage, and was caught and prosecuted.)
"What the heck?" Tomi asks, providing a tamer, more family friendly version of her "What in the world" question. She then quotes Robin Simcox, a wonderfully bearded Englishman who makes a living as a national security "expert" for the nationally recognized bullshitters at the Heritage Foundation.
Then Lahren takes a turn, referencing DFL U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar (characterized herein as "anti-Israel," a dog whistle for Lahren's viewers) and referencing Omar's letter asking for compassion in a would-be terrorist's case. Omar advocated for "restorative justice" instead of harsh punishment.
Lahren probably didn't read Omar's letter -- and certainly didn't expose her Fox News viewers to it, instead flashing a single headline from Fox 9 -- but here's some of what Omar wrote to the judge in that case, per a Star Tribune story about it:
“Such punitive measures not only lack efficacy they inevitably create an environment in which extremism can flourish — aligning with the presupposition of terrorist recruitment: ‘Americans do not accept you and continue to trivialize your value. Instead of being a nobody, be a martyr.’ ”
If that kind of writing and thinking scares you, it's because you're flashing back to high school or college, when teachers expected you to take clear, bold positions and know the proper usage of words like "presupposition."
Tomi's rant, which did not include the word "presupposition," but did include some presuppositions of her own, can be watched below... but we wouldn't exactly recommend it. Trust us, we covered most of the key parts above, and aren't even going to delve into the part where she says "wake up Minnesota!" and her sign-off of "from L.A., God bless" [affected little two-hand wave] "take care."
We're left with just one question: Is that a tattoo on your wrist? We're telling your parents!
Eh, one more: What in the hell hecking world, Tammy?