Always ready to lather on more emotional self-harm is Drew Magary, author of Deadspin's annual, 32-part "Why Your Team Sucks" series. He also happens to be the sports website's resident Vikings loyalist.
"This is the part where I disclose that I’m a Vikings fan," begins his 2017 Vikes takedown, which arrived Tuesday. "A stupid, gullible, worthless Vikings fan. Have a seat. This’ll take a while. I have a lot of problems with these people."
Magary, a Minnesota native, begins by rattling off the disasters of 2016: the stadium's ongoing songbird massacre; quarterback Teddy Bridgewater's exploding knee; Philly's draft-pick train heist for the rights to quarterback Sam Bradford; coach Mike Zimmer's eyeball woes; offensive guru Norv Turner's mid-season vanishing act; the O-line's historic ineptitude; so on, so forth.
The cross-hairs then focus on the coach ("[Zimmer is] high-strung yeller who can’t even do high-strung yelling anymore because his eyeball could pop out"), the QB ("Bradford could pour a routine bowl of cereal and NFL scouts would line up to hand his ass $50 million"), and the new star, rookie running back Dalvin Cook, who was accused of punching a woman while at Florida State ("Would it have killed them to draft a successor to Adrian Peterson that I could actually cheer for?").
Per tradition, Magary concludes by waxing poetic contempt for his home state (the 2015 filleting is my personal favorite). This year, he fatalistically predicts the arch-rival Green Bay Packers winning Super Bowl 51 inside U.S. Bank Stadium, and takes a delicious shot at our toniest 'burb.