This owl's chilling on a cop car in Duluth: What do you think he's thinking?

Duluth Police Department

Duluth Police Department

1.) Damn is it cold. 

And this car hood is nice and warm. Can I hang out here and warm up for a bit? 

I should've followed my 17 brothers and sisters when they moved to Oregon. But no.

"Duluth," my wife said. "It's so beautiful there," she said, "the real estate market's about to rebound." Only thing rebounding these days is her -- and of all the owls, she tree-holes up with that lousy real estate agent. 

2.) Don't worry, cop. I'm fine.

I know someone flagged you down for a "welfare check" on me because I was just hanging out in the road. They thought I'd been hit by a car. 

Can't an owl just be in the road because he wants to be in the road? You spend decades debating the philosophical leanings of these low-class road chickens, all in good fun... then a single owl gets in the road and someone calls 5-0? 

3.) You got anyone 'cuffed in the backseat?

Man, how weird would it be if it was someone I knew?

4.) Go ahead, take your damn picture. You think we owls don't know that we're pretty much Hustler models for all you outdoors-loving photographers

Give me the least bit of little credit, officer. I may have a brain the size of an unshelled peanut, but that doesn't mean I'm too stupid to know when I'm being objectified. 



5.) Officer... Richard LeDoux. LeDoux, huh? Let me guess. French Canadian? Ancestors in the fur trade? That right? 

Any of those LeDouxs wind up with a couple taxidermied owls above the fireplace? Don't think I don't see that shotgun on the passenger side.

6.) I'll be honest with you, Richard. Sometimes I see my reflection and I'm like, "Am I facing forwards? Or did I do that thing with my neck?"

7.) (Nothing.)

8.) I suppose now that I've been here "a minute," as you say, this is going to wind up in the newspaper. And I suppose some outdoors writer is going to include interesting facts about us, stuff like: 

You can identify barred owls by their hoot, the distinctive "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you-all?"

Don't waste your breath answering. Ask not for whom the owl asks who cooks for you-all. I hoot for me.