The unstoppable smile of Michele Bachmann


When Michele Bachmann took the stage for the RNC, her teeth led the way. One cannot understate the absolutely too perfect nature of her smile. Her pristine set of polished whites beam out to world. Light reflects off them at strange angles. And mid-way through her speech, it seemed like an angel was about to squeeze out between her molars with a harp.

The “Bachmann Smile” is a like a scary secret weapon. For folks accustom to following MN politics this is not news. In fact, it is very old news. But for others like CP, who keep headphones on their ears all day listening to MC/VL and The Hold Steady, this could be new. Though we doubt it. The Bachmann Smile is like The Eye, searching for something like a ring to give it ultimate power. And if we want to go deeper into this meta-nalogy, her DFL opponent Elwyn Tinklenberg sounds like a name poached straight from the Shire. Let’s just hope Tinklenberg has a forthright buddy helping him along the campaign trail, as it seems like Bachmann could sum up the power of a million Orcs at any moment.

But back to the Bachmann Smile, the luminescent wonder of St. Cloud. Most people associate “smiles” with pleasure and happiness, like when you blow out all the candles on a birthday cake or use fabric softener for the fist time. But a quick wiki search can inform you that biologists believe the smile first came about as a physical sign of fear, or in other cases, a warning signal to competitors that they shouldn’t screw with your food—some call that a snarl.

Yet for Bachmann, her Bachmann Smile is something totally different. It is both a sign of happiness and a warning signal. It also shows she is amiable and caring if your value system matches-up with Sarah Palin’s value system.

On Larry King Live, the Bachmann smile is in full effect. It is the first thing King notices during her introduction. And sometimes, it stops his train of thought. You see… the Bachmann Smile is a long lasting, almost permanent fixture that stretches across her face. She smiles from the start of the show all the way to the end, pausing only to provide her opinions on the state of the economy and the environment and to highlight the impeccable record of the Grand Ol' Party. And even when King does this thing where he splits his screen into four separate screens, making it look like multi-player mode on MarioKart, Bachmann is the only one who smiles though it all. At some points, it is as though the sides of her lips might reach her ears.

Here is the Bachmann Smile in full force:

Anyways, with the election bearing down upon us, use this time to bask in the wonder and intrigue that is the Bachmann Smile. It makes you scared and giddy and appalled and amused and outraged all at the same time… sorta like Tarvaris Jackson behind center.

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