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The most popular baby names of 2015 (and how their lives will be changed)

Will Harper again top the girls list? Is the whole Liam craze still a thing? The suspense is palpable.

Will Harper again top the girls list? Is the whole Liam craze still a thing? The suspense is palpable.

Need a name for that human bump in your belly? Sorry, these are taken.

Every year Sanford Health puts out a list of the most popular baby names, counting all the mini humans birthed under its umbrella. The South Dakota healthcare giant ranks the top five most common names for each gender.

Of course, names aren’t just names. They basically decide a newborn's life trajectory. Here are 2015’s most popular names — along with our totally gratuitous predictions about their futures.

Girls:

  1. Emma

    Punches a boy in kindergarten, which becomes a metaphor for her earliest romantic relationships. She changes colleges, like, six times, which pisses you off. But eventually she finds success as the only engineer who can actually talk to people.

  2. Ava

    Super adorable until age 14, when she backs your car into the garage door trying to take it for a joyride. Goes through a pseudo intellectual phase in college (don’t worry, it passes) and she carves a lucrative career as a consultant in a field no one really understands.

  3. Addison

    She outgrows her high school wild streak, snags a cushy corporate gig, and eventually becomes the cool mom who occasionally smokes weed. Only on vacation, though.

  4. Evelyn

    Evie has an artist’s soul and forms a something-core band you begrudgingly let practice in your basement. She never really specializes in anything, but somehow always has a cool job and good cocktail stories.

  5. Amelia and Olivia (tied for fifth place)

    When not on a social media platform you’ve never heard of, both really want to talk to you about the teen fiction book that’s cool in 2027. All that whatever-gramming pays off though, as they join forces to launch a tech startup that doesn’t flop in six months.

    Boys:

  6. Jackson

    He has a five o’clock shadow by seventh grade. By 19, he's posing a jogger in Michelob Ultra commercials.

  7. Oliver

    The only cool kid on the chess team who has serious sweater game. Becomes a successful advertising executive by specializing in TV commercials that don't torture the audience. 

  8. Connor

    Injures his share of middle-school dweebs, but repents by sophomore year. His All-American jawline slays the ladies and Connor gets his MBA, natch.

  9. Mason

    Genuinely nice guy who marries his high school sweetheart and opens up a Christmas tree farm, slyly saving the best to sell at discount to families in need. 

  10. William and Henry (tied for fifth place)

William and Henry are already vetting law schools, but Billy and Hank's modest careers in real estate law are more than offset by always being the funnest guys at the bar.