The Minnesota Wild: Frozen in the throes of mediocrity

Charlie Coyle is emblematic of a team with no heart.

Charlie Coyle is emblematic of a team with no heart. Associated Press

The Wild are a team stuck in mediocrity. Their stars are aging before our eyes. They have no size on defense and too many of their forwards are cowards.  

Koivu needs to go. At least take the C off of him. Make him wear a “W” for wuss. Ridiculous. He’s a faceoff drawing defenseman. Meanwhile, Haula is scoring 30 goals and Tuch is flying all over the ice in Vegas.

We have zero leadership from proven winners, unless you count Cullen, who blows and is the oldest player in the league. He uses an automatic stair chair like the guy in UP.

Most of these guys wouldn’t crack Winnipeg’s or Toronto’s lineup. When was the last time someone ever said that? It’s embarrassing.

Parise works but he’s made of porcelain. Not worth the money, plus with all of his injuries he is depleting the team store of all of its Pamprin.

Suter is fine but hardly dominating defensively. Overpaid. Killing us. Needs to restructure his contract. Same with Brodin. Good but not a force.

Dumba is aptly named because sometimes he can be a dumb ass. He makes horrible mistakes. We haven’t seen any of his talents in the playoffs. He’s also undersized.

Prosser ? Didn’t we already try to dump him once? He would be mediocre in any men’s league.

Seeler? Nope

Soucy? Piece.

Spurgeon is talented, but he is too wee. He got crushed in Winnipeg. Dustin Byfelieyeyn (or whatever his name is) literally ate him once and pooped him out behind the net in the span of a second. It was disgusting.

Staal, to quote a friend, is “crickets in the playoffs and can’t wait to get back to the family sod farm in Thunder Bay.” He plays like I do. Suckholes and makes mild attempts to poke check. Swishing his stick back and forth like a windshield wiper set to intermittent.

Granlund? Good. He’s all alone. Also wee.

Winnick? Wouldn’t crack any other lineup.

Niedereiter? Notafighter. No heart.

Zucker? See Staal. Most teams have three guys as fast as he is. And they’re bigger.

Dubnyk? He’s our toughest defender. He also can blow. He’s no Rinne.

Foligno? FoligNO.

Ennis? BUH-lows.

Greenway? Move him to D now.

Fletcher could not have honestly looked at this lineup and thought there’s a chance to win the Cup. Our D has been destroyed by big forwards in the playoffs for four years, and his off-season moves were Foligno and Ennis, while we lost Haula and Tuch.

It’s time to clean house.

J.M. Engstrom