Sure, it's not quite on the level of the Vikings All-Arrested team we wrote about a few years ago, but following Dante Cunningham's arrests (the plural is not a typo), the Minnesota Timberwolves can now go eight deep with a squad made up exclusively of players who landed in the crime blotter while playing here.
And you know what? It's not a terrible roster, with a nice mix of interior size and perimeter scoring and decent depth to boot. As coach, you'd just have to make sure to keep a close eye on your scoring wings during roadtrips to Colorado and Washington, if you catch our drift.
Without further ado, here's the team:
Center: Michael Olowokandi
Why he was arrested: Around 3 a.m. on November 25, 2004, Olowokandi was shocked twice with a stun gun after he allegedly refused to leave an Indianapolis nightclub. He was charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing but later acquitted.
Analysis: "The Kandi Man" was the top overall pick in the 1998 NBA Draft, but his NBA career was a disappointment. That said, the seven-footer is still a big body who can provide some needed interior defense for the All-Arrested squad.
Power forward: Al Jefferson
Why he was arrested: Around 1 a.m. on February 28, 2010, Big Al was arrested for DWI while driving on I-394 near downtown Minneapolis. He was suspended for two games, apologized, and pleaded guilty. His sentence ended up being community service and a $300 fine.
Analysis: Jefferson is the All-Arrested team's stud. Now 29, he's kept his nose clean since leaving Minnesota and is having a career year for the playoff-bound Charlotte Bobcats.
Small forward: Michael Beasley
Why he was arrested: Around 3 a.m. on June 26, 2011, Beasley was pulled over in Minnetonka for speeding. An officer noticed a strong marijuana order emanating from his car. When it was searched, 16.2 grams of ganja was found in a plastic bag. Though Beasley claimed it belonged to a friend, he was given a $128 ticket. (So Beasley wasn't actually arrested in Minnesota, though he was arrested for doing pretty much the same thing last summer in Arizona.)
Analysis: Beasley has been off way more than he's been on throughout his NBA career, but on any given night he can go off for 20-plus points while making it look B-Easy.
Shooting guard: J.R. Rider
Why he was arrested: During his three seasons in Minnesota, the mercurial Rider was convicted of kicking the female manager of a sports bar and for possessing both pot and an illegal cell phone. (It had been altered to charge calls to someone else's bill.)
Analysis: Beasley and Rider have a lot in common -- they're both talented, troubled, and have a taste for the sticky icky. But as far as the All-Arrested team is concerned, they make for a formidable scoring combination. (Defense is another story.)
Point guard: Anthony Carter
Why he was arrested: Just after bar close on March 3, 2006, Carter was arrested for DWI near downtown Minneapolis. His blood alcohol level was 0.17, or more than twice the legal limit.
Analysis: Carter is pretty much the epitome of a journeyman point guard, having played for six teams during a 13 year NBA career that finally ended in 2012. But hey, somebody has to handle the ball, right?
(For the All-Arrested backups, click to page two.)
Forward/center: Eddie Griffin (RIP)
Why he was arrested: Griffin, who struggled with alcoholism and died when his SUV was struck by a train in Texas in 2007, allegedly was drunk when he caused a car accident in parking lot of Santana Foods near Dinkytown in March 2006. A subsequent lawsuit claimed he was watching a pornographic DVD in his SUV and masturbating at the time of the crash. Griffin was cited and released, but some thought Minneapolis cops let him off easy by giving him a ride to his St. Paul home instead of taking him to jail.
Analysis: Griffin had one impressive year in Minnesota as a Kevin Love-style three-point-shooting big man, but his personal problems derailed not only his basketball career but also, tragically, his life.
Forward: Dante Cunningham
Why he was arrested: For allegedly committing felony domestic assault last Thursday morning and then again for allegedly sending threatening electronic messages over the weekend.
Analysis: Much as is the case with the real Timberwolves, Cunningham's role on the All-Arrested team is as a big body who can come off the bench, rebound a little bit, and space the floor with his mid-range jump shot.
Guard: Marlon Maxey
Why he was arrested: Maxey, who spent two unremarkable seasons with the Timberwolves in the early 1990s, was arrested in the fall of 1994 for having an unregistered handgun in his car.
Analysis: He's nothing special, but Anthony Carter can't play the whole game, after all.
Coach: Sidney Lowe
Lowe wasn't arrested here, but the former Timberwolves player and head coach did recently plead guilty for failing to file his North Carolina tax returns for three years.
Overall analysis: The All-Arrested team is offensively potent but awful defensively. They'd be fun to watch but probably not win too many games -- in other words, pretty similar to the 2013-14 version of the real Timberwolves squad.