The Minnesota Legislature is back in session, baby. Popcorn is popped and local pundits are ready to dissect the 2016 battle between the libtards and right-wing loonies. Ridiculous shade and strategically bent facts will be thrown across the aisle.
But one thing those of any ideology can agree upon is that Minnesota’s public officials are sexy as fuh. With so many Gosling-esque jaw lines and Kardashian-like curves hugged by conservative pantsuits, the State Capitol is a hotbed of aphrodisia. It’s a wonder anything gets done (oh, right).
Suspend your partisan grudges and indulge in these elected calendar-worthy specimens. These are the hottest hotties of the Minnesota Legislature.
Sen. Tom Bakk, DFL-Cook
This DFL bad boy has no problem rebelling against authority (i.e. Gov. Mark Dayton) and that’s totally hot. Like a sensual lumberjack cartoon bear, Bakk power struts through the Capitol halls, his Iron Range musk cutting through the port-a-potty stink and driving lobbyists wild. We dare you to keep cool when Papa Bear de-blazers after a tough day brokering backroom deals, his armpits glistening through his reasonably priced button-up. Pure. Sex.
Sen. Warren Limmer, R-Maple Grove
Oozing senatorial swag, this beady-eyed dreamboat is a legislative lady killer. His receding hairline and suggestive smirk connote a man experienced in love and missionary pleasures. He’s done things 1950s TV couples dare not speak of. Limmer pals around with the cool Finance Committee guys, but after seven terms in the Legislature’s more prestigious body he’s clearly the committee’s “it” boy. Rumor has it his weaselly visage has replaced that ab-crunching Twilight kid’s in high school lockers throughout his district. We’re definitely on Team Warren.
Rep. Peggy Bennett, R-Albert Lea
The second she walks into the Agriculture Finance committee room, all eyes are on this steamy constitutional conservative. It takes the chair’s gavel rapping to take the focus off her pristinely permed hair and saucy red sweater that leaves everything to the imagination. Bennett’s Obama-hatin’ suitors, of which she surely has many, should be advised that this bewitching special ed teacher’s turn-offs include unfunded mandates and the education system’s bureaucracy. So along with that apple, slip Peg a tastefully erotic note about the ills of No Child Left Behind. That’ll be hot.
Rep. Paul Thissen, DFL-Minneapolis
Like a hipster Dean Strang, this Minority Leader-about-town has that dadly, nonthreatening sex appeal (it’s not that weird). When not lawyering or conspiring to thwart Republican schemes, his steely blue eyes and coolly disheveled silver locks can be spotted at hip Twin Cities concerts, from Lizzo to Jason Isbell. He might be a carefully composed public official, but who knows what happens when that tie loosens backstage?
Rep. Barb Yarusso, DFL-Shoreview
Never mind those irresistible dimples and playfully dangling bangs. This liberal vixen’s academic resume is even more arousing. With her Ph.D. in chemical engineering, we could stare into Barb’s seductive eyes and listen to her say big words through a four-hour Aging and Long Term Care Policy committee hearing.
Rep. Pat Garofalo, R-Farmington
Network engineers are the new firemen. And it’s every conservative woman’s fantasy to have this bare-chested engineer-legislator hulking over her, troubleshooting the connectivity issues with her Wi-Fi (is that what network engineers do?). Meanwhile, it’s calling BS on political forces that fog up Garofalo’s distinguishing spectacles, for his is a wonky brand of erotica. Light some candles and lustily whisper in his ear something about pared fiscal notes.