The gospel according to Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan's public speaking is second only to the miraculous PowerPoint skills of Jesus Christ.

Paul Ryan's public speaking is second only to the miraculous PowerPoint skills of Jesus Christ. Associated Press

Brothers and sisters of the faith, good morning.

Peace be upon you.

I am so excited that all of you could be here today, to join me in a celebration of the Christian faith that guides us in our daily lives: you, the good people of Janesville, and my fellow Republicans working in Washington, D.C.

You see, I’m known as a numbers expert, a policy wonk, the big idea man in Congress. All of that’s true. But almost every policy idea I have can be found in the Bible.

Think about it. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That’s the border adjustment tax! We should do unto imported goods as other countries do unto our exports.

Or this one: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” I can’t think of a better way to love our neighbor, Mexico, than to build a wall that secures not only our own border, but also Mexico’s border. When was the last time your neighbor built something for you?

Today I want to talk about something called the Beatitudes. These are the teachings of Jesus from his Sermon on the Mount, which was sort of like a State of the Union for Christianity. I only wish I could have been there to cheer him on.

In his sermon, Jesus told us, “Blessed are the poor.” I could not agree more. Only the poor among us can know what it’s like to make something of themselves, with absolutely no help from anyone, like Jesus says. That’s why we need to get rid of the burdensome taxes that are taking money from poor people’s pass-through corporations, and give those in poverty greater deductions on their investment income.

“Blessed are the meek,” Jesus tells us, “for they shall inherit the land.” But if we don’t get rid of the Democrat death tax, no one’s inheriting anything. If Nancy Pelosi had her way, any American who has worked hard for his success would have his assets stolen when he dies. Do you want to be standing in line at the gates of heaven, worrying whether your kids will be able to keep your summer home on the lake?

“Blessed are those who mourn,” Jesus says, “for they shall be comforted.” Comforted indeed. Comforted by the knowledge that, though they have lost a loved one, that person was finally given the freedom to buy, or not buy, exactly the kind of health insurance plan he or she wants, and can afford. We would rather die free than live as slaves to government bureaucrats.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,” Jesus says. Now, you’re going to hear a lot about welfare and food stamps, and how Americans would go hungry under a Republican budget. But the real hunger I’m concerned about is the one for righteousness, by which Jesus meant the system of free enterprise and self-sufficiency this country was founded on. What good is a child’s full belly if his soul is empty?

Jesus preaches, “Blessed are the merciful.” And I can’t imagine a greater mercy than the detention centers we want to build for the housing of illegal immigrants before they face deportation. These are going to be highly secure, state-of-the-art facilities. Far more merciful than the jails these people would see in the countries they’re from.

“Blessed are the pure in heart,” says Jesus, an obvious reference to the Republican Freedom Caucus. Without the purity of our most strident members, we would be passing all kinds of compromise legislation that strays from our bedrock conservative values. And Christ, as we all know, was very into values.

Next, Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” And I have to say, I am so glad he brought that up, because this country badly needs an increase in its military budget. I’m pushing for $25 billion a year in new military spending, so we can pay for the bombs and bullets that keep peace in our world.

This last part is maybe the most important. Jesus says, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I think we all know who Christ is talking about here. The successful.

No one faces more persecution in America today than those who have done well. Government regulators stand guard over their investments like a phalanx of Roman soldiers, and the I.R.S. pursues their income like a pack of demons set loose by Satan himself.

Prosperous Americans are criticized in the liberal media, and made to feel guilty by moralizing activists. They are sued by their employees for so-called “discrimination,” and fined by government agencies for so-called “pollution.” They are bullied into paying higher minimum wages and offering employee benefits.

If Jesus were here today, he would defend these righteous people. He would speak out for the Koch brothers and the Sheldon Adelsons, falsely vilified by left-wing elitists, popular culture, and the Congressional Budget Office. Alas, Jesus is not here, so instead the persecuted will have to suffer in this life, and await the keys to the kingdom of heaven in the next.

Because Jesus is not here, his work must be ours. And so long as I have breath in my lungs and the House Speaker’s gavel in my hand, I will continue to preach the word of the Lord, and to serve him the only way I know how: by ending Medicaid, spending a record amount on the military, and passing tax cuts that will keep more money in the pockets of corporations and their CEOs.


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