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The Central Minnesota Tea Party's goofy guide to Islam

She may look innocent enough. But underneath that pleasant bearing is a woman just waiting to crucify some Methodists.

She may look innocent enough. But underneath that pleasant bearing is a woman just waiting to crucify some Methodists.

The ocean of knowledge possessed by the "independent thinkers" of the Central Minnesota Tea Party isn't limited to Luke Bryan, Big Buck Hunter, and verbatim interpretation of the Founding Fathers' intentions.

These "pro-family, pro-God," and "pro-Constitution" patriots are also self-styled scholars of Islam, whose millions of followers are bad. Like not even into ice fishing bad.

The Central chapter, which has hosted such lauded events as an immigrant-vilifying symposium by car salesman Ron Branstner, also dabbles in educational outreach. To that end, it's released, at no cost to the public, "Thirteen Things You Need To Know About Islam."

Before feeling educated, take note: You're about to get nothing but the hard truth, without the pesky clutter of nuance. Or the fact that, like Christians, the globe's 1.6 billion Muslims might not all believe the exact same thing. 

The Tea Party's 13 axioms can be distilled into four user-friendly categories: "Gender Roles," "Actions," Activities," and "The Bonus."

Like any self-respecting religion, Islam clearly lays out which gender is boss and which one is screwed. According to Tea Party researchers, Islamic men are destined to kick ass and score often. Females, in contrast, are regarded as chattel. Hence, "You can rape, marry and divorce pre-pubescent girls" and "enslave [them] for sex and work."

You can "beat women" to your heart's content, says the Tea Party -- as long as they're at least 11.

Then come the "actions," otherwise known as the punishment required for "Jews and Christians" who "don't convert or pay" a tax and "anyone who leaves Islam." The fate of these trespassers can be a variety of grisly outcomes.

According to the Tea Party, followers of Islam can choose from crucifixion, amputation, and beheading, depending upon one's inclination that day. But remember: "You will kill" is always the first option.

"Activities" are a more cerebral category. What you need-to-know here is that Muslims "will terrorize" and "steal" from "non-Muslims." As opportunity presents, they're commanded to "Lie to strengthen Islam." 

Still, Islam is not without benefits, which leads to "The Bonus" principle. Tea Party academics have discovered that if Muslims kill non-Muslims, they "will receive 72 virgins in heaven."  

So ends today's lesson from the Central Minnesota Tea Party.