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The 5 greatest Minnesota petitions on Change.org

Gordon Bombay led a peewee hockey team to greatness in <i>The Mighty Ducks</i>. It's time he return to Minnesota.

Gordon Bombay led a peewee hockey team to greatness in The Mighty Ducks. It's time he return to Minnesota.

Since its 2007 inception, Change.org has helped millions of grassroots movements take flight. The petition website has been called one of the most influential tools for internet activism. It's victories include freeing a Washington Post reporter from Iranian prison and getting Trader Joe's to sell only cage-free eggs.

Although the website can help harness online sentiment for positive change, it's also a magnificent vehicle for more modest quests and general fuckery.

Take, for instance, the fight University of Washington students are waging against anus chafing caused by the school's too-thin toilet paper (“Justice 4 buttholes everywhere,” demands one supporter). Or the Georgia man who wants Louis C.K. to question Ted Cruz about being the Zodiac Killer.

Minnesotans, too, are trying to wield the power of Change.org for weirdness and less mainstream goals.

Presenting the eight greatest Minnesota petitions:

5. “Bring home the Minnesota Miracle Man”

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Things have been looking up for the Minnesota Wild since the canning of head coach Mike Yeo and the promotion of John Torchetti. But Alex Kim has another idea about who should helm the state's favorite hockey squad, that same brash hotshot attorney who led a ragtag peewee team to on-ice glory in Disney's The Mighty Ducks.

It's hard to know if Gordon Bombay's defensive schemes could contain the Chicago Blackhawks like they did those cake-eating Edina Hawks. But fans (namely the petition's six supporters) would love to see Bombay back on the bench. Plus, we can't imagine Emilio Estevez isn't available.

4. “Make Quailman the official state superhero of Minnesota”

We have a state bird, a state grain, and a state mushroom. But, tragically, no official state superhero.

Craig Sigal of Plymouth is asking Gov. Mark Dayton to correct this injustice by honoring Quailman – the imaginary alter ego of Doug Funnie, from '90s Nickelodean cartoon Doug.

As superheroes go, Quailman's towel cape and belt headband might seem dweeby (and who wears underwear over their shorts?). But if he's good enough for Patti Mayonnaise, he's good enough for Minnesota.

3. Throw out Car Talk, MPR

Minnesota Public Radio member Drew Rosielle is so over Car Talk. Since bro-hosts Ray and Tom Magliozzi retired in 2012, reruns of the syndicated car-troubleshooting show have lingered over weekend airwaves. As a meme the Minneapolis man generated puts it, “there's too much crazy good new radio out there” to dwell in the past. 

2. U of M needs Panera Bread

Izzy Eisenstadt needs a goddamn panini. The University of Minnesota student is sick of the “mediocre pizza shops” and burrito cacophony infiltrating campus. So she's petitioning the Panera gods to rain down upon her fellow Gophers a bounty of affordable salads, bagels, and most of all bread bowls.

Recognizing their civic duty, more than 100 supporters have joined Eisenstadt's quest to bring a Panera Bread to Dinkytown or Stadium Village. “I view this petition as the most important form of social change in which I can participate,” writes a courageous Ben Bauman. “Seriously, I don't even feel like I need to vote next fall having signed on with such an important social movement.” God bless America.

1. Ultimate frisbee is for the children

If Mychael Redig gets his wish, one day a high school student will proudly strut through jock hall rocking a letterman jacket with a frisbee patch.

The St. Michael resident is petitioning the Minnesota State High School League to make ultimate frisbee an official high school sport.

Frankly, it should be. Minnesota is failing its youth by sending them off to college unprepared to dazzle goateed sophomores who followed the String Cheese Incident on tour last summer with their advanced ultimate skills.