As we prepare to throw out our muscly firemen calendars, we look back at the year that was. Things got weird in 2015. While important people were off doing important things, these petty thieves, hijinks schemers, and horny politicians enriched our lives through the power of bizarre news stories.
Thanks for the memories, you weirdos, for providing us with the 10 weirdest news stories of 2015.
Turns out the kind of guy who lives in his mom’s house with his girlfriend is also the type to tattle when his sweetheart stabs him in the butt. Shockingly, the Mankato-area couple was drinking the night before the early morning shanking. The girlfriend, Mercede Johnson, told the cops they were just play wrestling. But games ending with half-inch puncture wounds, in the keister no less, don't sound like fun.
After getting busted with a weed lab in her Golden Valley home, Ashley Firnschild concocted an imaginative defense when her case hit the courts this fall. As a member of the First Church of Cannabis — an Indiana stoner “church” — getting baked is part of her faith, she claimed. Thing is, the church hadn’t been founded until months after she got caught [facepalm].
Karina Bourcy is no common petty criminal, which is why the 22-year-old took a limo on a shoplifting spree at Rochester’s Apache Mall. After trying (and failing) to jack $300 worth of clothing from a sporting goods store, Bourcy called the same limo driver to help her get away. Instead, he delivered her to the cops.
7. Pony express
We still don’t know why some guy was driving around Minneapolis with a Shetland pony riding shotgun in his SUV. But we’re glad the cute little fella didn’t get hurt in the crash.
A group of bicyclists armed with water guns thought it would be fun to squirt riders on much maligned PedalPubs in downtown Minneapolis. But in a karmic twist, they got their butts kicked after staging an H2O attack on a group of off-duty cops. Fortunately, part of the melee was caught on video.
Presumably not wanting the cops to find his meth pipe and digital scale, Thomas Fuselier led Wisconsin police on a backroad chase after they observed his busted brake light. When his car spun out he bailed on foot. He might have gotten away with it had his prosthetic leg not gotten stuck in a fence.
Ostensibly, Amaze’n Farmyard is a family funland with a 150-foot slide, an animal petting area, and tractor rides for the kiddos. But the wholesome paradise near Paynesville actually fronts one of the worst puppy mills in America, Valley View Kennel. That family day trip suddenly got dour.
Hormonal urges got the better of state representatives Tim Kelly (R-Red Wing) and Tara Mack (R-Apple Valley) in a parked car this summer. Their parking lot romp in Eagan’s Lebanon Hills Regional Park might not have been that big of a deal if they weren’t married to other people. It only got worse when they called the deputy who caught them a liar, even though he found Mack with her pants down.
Minnesota’s favorite family-oriented discount retailer would never trade in smut. But shoppers at a California store got an ear full of moans and groans when pornographic audio started playing over the loudspeakers this fall.
Just last week TV reporter Adam Sallet of Iowa’s KIMT 3 was covering a bank robbery in Rochester. Having hit the bank a day earlier, the robber came back for seconds and tried to make his getaway during Sallet’s live segment. A good citizen first, cool-headed journalist second, Sallet kicked it back to the studio and called 911.