comScore

Study reveals Twin Citians suck at driving (except for you)

This is what happens when you talk on the phone to Chrissy while passing people on the shoulder. Experts say you should always be attentive when breaking traffic laws.

This is what happens when you talk on the phone to Chrissy while passing people on the shoulder. Experts say you should always be attentive when breaking traffic laws.

Though we're widely regarded for our virtue, wisdom, and exceedingly good looks, it appears there's a chink in the noble Twin Citians' armor of perfection: We wickedly suck at driving.

That's the word from America's largest auto insurer, Allstate. It studied collision claims in the country's 200 largest cities to see where drivers sucked, and where they did not. Minneapolis and St. Paul decidedly fall in the former camp. 

Minneapolis finished a miserable 125th. St. Paul was 171st.

(Editor's note: This should not cause you to reflect on your own driving abilities. The report strictly refers to everyone but you.)

According to Allstate, this is because we're more likely to speed, brake hard, drive hammered, and get distracted while talking on the phone to Chrissy about her boyfriend Devin, who spends all day playing Counter Strike: Global Offensive ever since he got fired from Jimmy Johns.

(Editor's note: She could do way better than Devin.)

Allstate found the best drivers were in small cities, which aren't cool enough to attract many people, and therefore have fewer cars to smash into.

For example, Brownsville, Texas was the safest city, since people only leave their homes for tent revivals and to yell at pregnant ladies outside Planned Parenthood. Three of the 10 safest cities are in Kansas, which is apparently a state.

But Allstate also took pains to sabotage any other excuses we may have, such as weather or a larger population. The twin towns both improve when population density is factored in — with Minneapolis jumping all the way to 58th. But St. Paul actually falls to 172nd when rain and snow are entered into the formula.

(Editor's note: Please insert your own riff here about about arrogant bicyclists, the fallacies of Minnesota Nice, how people drive way better where you used to live, and any spare thoughts you may have on German economic policy.)

The topping on the cake: We're actually getting worse. Minneapolis fell 44 spots from its 2015 ranking. St. Paul dropped a whopping 50 spots.

Even our punishingly good looks work against us. Allstate discovered that because Twin Citians are so beautiful that it's hard to look away, collisions from gawking-induced traffic jams rose by 56 percent.

(Editor's note: That last part's a lie. Allstate omitted how pretty we are from the data. Bastards.)