If you've never been on r/The_Congress, an offshoot of Reddit's hateful (and hated) r/The_Donald ... hold onto your innocence as long as you can, and consider us jealous.
On Thursday, that subreddit hosted an "Ask Me Anything" with one Christopher Chamberlin, who informed his questioners that he was "running to replace Keith Ellison and help President Trump with MAGA!" Chamberlin has not been especially visible to voters in the 5th Congressional District, which consists of Minneapolis and nearby western suburbs like St. Louis Park, Edina, and Richfield. More on that later.
Chamberlin went on to tell Reddit he is "not a politician," a curious claim for a guy who has run for Governor of Minnesota, the U.S. House of Representatives, the U.S. Senate, and President of the United States -- all since March 2016.
Chamberlin explains: "I am an American statesman! I believe in the preservation of our Constitution and Bill of Rights! I believe in the protection of the American dream! I believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!"
And exclamation points! As punctuation!
In a decidedly un-statesman-like turn, Chamberlin then refers to the sitting 5th District Congressman as "Mohammed Keith Ellison Hakim," a dog whistle so high-pitched it drove Lassie to throw herself into the well.
Then it was question time, and Chamberlin's interlocutors played right into the candidate's favorite issues. For example: Is he aligned with Donald Trump's agenda? Chamberlin, who later clarified that any typos in his replies were due to his using a voice-to-text typing program, replied:
"I'm proud that I November 6th 2016 at the Sun Country Airlines hangers in Minneapolis Minnesota I had the honor of endorsing Donald J Trump to be our president my campaign does align itself with the make America great again philosophy and I will do whatever is in my power to restore the faith of the American people not only in the Constitution but also restore their faith in Congressional Representatives who actually will listen!"
Chamberlin was also asked about Justine Damond, the woman killed by Minneapolis Police officer Mohammed Noor. (Damond's was the first civilian police shooting to have ever even mildly interested right-wingers; we wonder why.)
Chamberlin claims he approached Gov. Mark Dayton at a public memorial for Damond and told the governor his "presence... is a slap in the face of this family," and that "because of [Dayton's] affirmative action programs," Damond's "blood is on [Dayton's] hands." Based on the "points" it received, this was among Chamberlin's most popular answers during his AMA, followed not far behind by this one, about whether Chamberlin would be running a "Bernie-esque 'clean' campaign."
"I already do call Keith Ellison on his ties to the Muslim Brotherhood Louis Farrakhan and his support of the Homegrown terrorist organization Antifa"
Later, Chamberlin says his campaign against Ellison will be like this:
"My plan is to tell the truth, that's how you defeat a snake you shine light on it and it crawls back into the Subterranean depths from which it reared its ugly head."
This is obviously a pretty messed-up way to talk about a six-term member of the United States House of Representatives. More importantly, this is terrible snake advice! (See, Christopher, this is when you use an exclamation point.) The slightest bit of Googling indicates there's reason to believe shining a light my in fact cause certain snakes to strike, or "go berserk."
If you come upon a snake in the wild, do not shine a flashlight on it, and do not call Christopher Chamberlin for guidance. That last part holds up as a general principle.
Given his profile, it's no surprise to learn Chamberlin is a fervent defender of the Second Amendment. (His solution to school shootings is arming teachers and "veterans monitoring the hallways.") He's not so sure about the First Amendment, saying that it "needs to be addressed," and writes (emphasis ours): "no longer can we afford to have corporations and media outlets running around under the protection of the First Amendment."
Uh, did he just propose getting rid of newspapers, radio and TV stations? Does that not clash with the whole "or of the press" part of the First Amendment?
Besides, who then would write about Chamberlin, revealing such interesting facts as the ones contained in this January St. Cloud Times profile:
- When he ran for president, it was under the name "Vlad Draculea."
- As a child in the late 1970s, Chamberlin appeared twice as an extra on "Sesame Street."
- As an adult in the 1990s and 2000s, Chamberlin was convicted of a "couple financial misdemeanors."
- Chamberlin, 44, "doesn't work due to back and neck issues," and instead lives off government benefits.
- He is very concerned about the influence of shariah law in St. Cloud, which was, as of the 2010 census, about 85 percent white.
- He is still living in St. Cloud, but "plans to move to the district if he wins the election."
Well, there you have it, voters of the 5th Congressional District. If you weren't already aware of his glorious candidacy, consider this your official introduction to Christopher Chamberlin. We at City Pages do not endorse him for any office. Not even to be the town snake catcher.