Last year, longtime Minneapolis pals Ben Malmo and Sam Testa launched "Sports on a Stick.com," their satirical sports website that initially focused on "skewering" Minnesota jocks and related parties. In January, the fellas re-launched "Stick" with a national flavor that has seen their site thrive with hits and humor.
Below, you'll find two articles in what we'll refer to herein as a Sports Comedy Throwdown, in which Yours Truly and the "Stick" boys traded faux local sports headlines, with the challenge of penning the funnier piece below the opponent's header. The first article's headline (and subhead) was provided by "Stick" and the ensuing prose was penned by Yours Truly. For the latter article, I provided the headline and Ben Malmo wrote the story.
Who has provided the more entertaining story? The decision is up to you, gentle reader. To the victor go the spoils; to the loser go season tickets to the T-Wolves. Read, vote, enjoy!
Twins Front Office Treated and Released for Bed Sores
Lack of Off-Season Activity Finally Catches up with Twins Executives
Minnesota Twins General Manager Bill Smith, Assistant GM Rob Antony, and V.P. of Player Personnel Mike Radcliff were collectively released from Hennepin County Medical Center yesterday upon a set of what a team spokesperson described as a "somewhat dated, albeit ultimately trustworthy and really affordable stretchers."
HCMC physician Dr. Matt Basil, after consulting with the Twins lead physician, Dr. John A. Steubs, offered a brief statement following the trio's collective wheeling down the street to the HHH Metrodome:
"It is my humble, professional opinion, that said decubitus ulcers - more commonly known as 'bed sores' - are the collective result of an elongated period of stasis. Probably about seven month's worth."
When asked, in his medical opinion, whether the release was concurrently timed to coincide with the club's recent signing of free agent third baseman Joe Crede, Basil replied curtly:
"Crede's only hit .219 in domed games lifetime. I'm really not all that jacked up about him really."
When reached via telephone regarding how quickly he and the others would fly down to Fort Myers, Fla. for the duration of Spring Training, GM Smith replied only:
"Fly? No. No, we'll be taking a bus."
Joe Mauer Endorsing Butter, Archie Comics, The Snuggie in '09Twins catcher Joe Mauer released his highly-anticipated 2009 endorsements Monday, much to the delight of three struggling industries - butter, Archie Comics, and The Snuggie.
Compensation was just one of Mauer's endorsement criteria. "It has to be a product I personally use," he insists. "Then, I rank products in the areas most important to me - product practicality, product sensibility, and product levelheadedness."
Company representatives are thrilled to have Mauer as their new spokesperson. "Joe came in full of ideas," said Harvey Golub, Butter Board ambassador. "Granted, 'When you don't have time to churn your own' probably isn't a slogan we'll use, but we appreciate his enthusiasm."
Mauer, a self-proclaimed Jughead fanatic, prefers the virtuous Betty over the sultry Veronica. "Veronica's pretty and all," says the blushing Mauer, "but Betty's pretty on the inside, and that's what counts."Mauer has gone to great lengths to hide his Archie comic book collection from the jeering taunts of teammates. "It's not easy," admitted Mauer. "I'll slide an issue inside a scouting report when I'm in the clubhouse. On team flights, I'll duck under my Snuggie and read with a flashlight."
Best bets for Mauer's 2010 endorsements? Modesty, perfect 90-degree angles, and oatmeal.
* Photo courtesy of bossco via Flickr
** Photo courtesy of Major League Baseball
*** Photo courtesy of Jason Grote via Flickr