It isn't easy being a Minnesota Vikings fan.
Almost 60 years and no Super Bowl? The many near-misses, far-misses, and humiliations captured on this (depressingly long) documentary? That thing where you get the best defense in the league and everyone starts collapsing on the ground like in a Michael Bay movie?
It will surprise Vikings fans not at all to learn that a new highly scientific and mathematical study from the website Fanatics has recognized them as the "most hardcore" football fans in the whole country, as proven by the measure of how many ways they'd ruin their day, or their lives, if it meant the Vikings would just win a goddamn Super Bowl game for once.
Here are the figures behind the assessment (which, again, is backed by same the math Newton used when he noticed the moon was doing that one thing):
- About 39 percent of Vikings fans would "eat a bowl of cockroaches" for a Super Bowl win, ranking third behind fans of the Carolina Panther (41 percent) and Los Angeles Rams (40 percent).
- An amazing 53 percent of Minnesota fans would "gain 100 pounds" for a Vikings championship. That's first by a lot, way ahead of the fans in Jacksonville (46 percent). Seems like our two dreams in Minnesota are 1.) the Vikings go all the way and 2.) we all agree to just get fat together.
- 64 percent of Vikings loyalists would skip a paycheck for a Super Bowl victory, trailing only the people of Jacksonville (65.7 percent).
- This is where we lose our minds. 81 percent of Minnesota Vikings fans would voluntarily undergo a root canal if it meant we'd get the Lombardi Trophy. This is far above fans in Los Angeles (67 percent), Philadelphia (66 percent), and Arizona (65 percent), many of whom are no longer in touch with their original teeth.
- 50 percent of Vikings fans would sit on a hornet's nest for a Super Bowl. We're second again here, and again behind the people of Jacksonville (54 percent), who do not have another professional sports team and/or many reasons to wake up in the morning.
- 30 percent of Minnesota fans will go without bathing for a year (gross), again ranking first, ahead of Cleveland Browns fans (29 percent, super gross).
Add it all up and we are literally the most desperate fanbase in America, according to Fanatics (and mathematics). "When it comes to the most hardcore fans in America, look no further than the Purple People Eaters! Even though they're over .500 over the past 10 seasons, Minnesota Vikings fans would do almost anything for their team to win."
And we can only hope that in this, the year of our hosting the Super Bowl, our on-field team feels the same way. Are they up to the task? We know Vikings fans will spend the next six months doing their part, getting fat eating all these cockroaches. Our dentist is going to love this.