RNC Schedule: The Outside Scoop!

The Republicans have released the speaking schedule for the RNC, as the PiPress reports today. It leaves one question unanswered: On the topic of running mates, is John McCain confused, or just toying with the hopefuls (and us)? Here's the outside scoop!

The first day is devoted to clearing the bowels, with speeches by W., Laura, Cheney, and the ever-constipated Joe Lieberman. Also scheduled to speak, but threatening to sit this one out if his state's budget isn't finalized by then, is Arnold.

From there on out, it's a mixture of hopefuls, soon-to-be also-rans, and Michael Steele, the token to end all tokens.

You may recall Steele, who speaks on Tuesday, as the unstoppable force of nature who fought courageously in his 2006 bid for U.S. Senate in Maryland, which he lost by 11 points, and who is black. Joining him will be perky abortion absolutist Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska and a veepstakes long-shot, as well as the recently exhumed and embalmed Rudy Giuliani. Also, the inimitable Mike Huckabee and the 1930's-cop-resembling, former homeland security honcho, and veep contender Tom Ridge.

Wednesday will feature the creationist Indian-American Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, a youthful and ethnicky veep contender, as well as ousted (but well-remunerated) former head of Hewlett-Packard Carly Fiornia, a McCain loyalist. Also speaking will be veep contender Mitt Romney, whose aides, sources say, are furiously working on a breakthrough new "naturality" chip to install into his operating system ahead of the speech. Also, our own Norm Coleman, Cindy McCain and the yet-to-be-named veep nominee.

As for Thursday, get ready for some guy named Tim Pawlenty, as well as Charlie Christ, the heterosexual governor of Florida. Joining them will be Christianist presidential also-ran Sam Brownback, and of course, John McCain.

Does anything here strike you as weird? No? Let us direct you to back to Wednesday, when the unnamed veep nominee is scheduled to be speaking. Uh, haven't all the key veep contenders already gotten their spots? Will one of them be speaking twice? Is John McCain effing with us? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!?!?!?!

There are opinions and opinions about what this all means, but here's the bottom line: Nobody knows. Except for those who do. And they aren't wasting their time with any of us.

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