Reporter chows 19-year-old Kirby Puckett candy bar, describes experience in LOL-worthy terms

If it looks like poop and it's almost old enough to drink, chances are it tastes like poop too.
If it looks like poop and it's almost old enough to drink, chances are it tastes like poop too.
Image by Tatiana Craine -- photos from Deadspin and Ebay

What do you think a 19-year-old Kirby Puckett candy bar tastes like? Like shit, you say? Bingo!

SEE ALSO: Brett Favre pubes salesman shares most hilarious correspondence with would-be buyers

But just to make sure, Deadspin's Tom Ley and Barry Petchesky recently went to the trouble of documenting the buying and chowing of ancient sports superstar-themed candy bars, including bars inspired by Ken Griffey Jr., Isiah Thomas, Reggie Jackson, Mark Price, Chipper Jones, and, of course, Kurrrrrrrbeeeeeee Puckett!

Here's what Ley and Petchesky had to say about the Puckett bar before before opening it up:

The Kirby Puckett Bar came out in 1994, and is not merely caramel and rice coated in milk chocolate. It is, as the wrapper boasts, "a bundle of energy." (The bar has 302 calories and 40 percent of the recommended daily value of saturated fat.) On the back, an exhortation for sugar-addled Twins fans to pursue their dreams. "Get into the swing of things. Stay in school."

And here's what they had to say about the experience of eating it:

This one did not look nearly as appetizing as the Reggie! Bar. It looked like a dried-up piece of human feces. Just a dessicated shit log sliding ominously out of a wrapper featuring Puckett's coy and not-at-all-reassuring smile. We were starting to grow less enthusiastic.

We were once again taken aback by how tamely the first bite assaulted our palate. Perhaps this was due to the presence of rice in place of peanuts, but the inclusion of caramel had given us reason to expect the worst. Rancid caramel was pretty much our worst nightmare going in. But there we were, chewing through the mostly tasteless concoction and nodding at the growing group of onlookers, furrowing brows, and offering a nonchalant, "Huh, this one's not that bad!"

Then it happened. The switch from benign to malignant came more swiftly and completely than with the Reggie! Bar. It felt as if someone had jammed a sour, sweaty foot into our mouths. We gulped down a lot of water, unsuccessfully trying to wash the bitterness from our tongues. Things were starting to get real.

News you can use next time, you know, you're thinking about eating a candy bar with an expiration date that came and went when many of today's college students weren't yet a glimmer in their parents' eyes.

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